Chronicles of Madness

OK. This picture took me ALL DAMN DAY LONG TO POST! I even left late for work cuz blogger was being such a shit head....

So check this out. I'm old. Apparently there's this magical day that turns you old, pooflike and shit. Whatthefuckever.

Damn.

Note to self: Never get out of bed on September 26 again.

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There's some shit that really bugs me, like people that walk past you and don't say excuse me, but they have to pass close enough to hit you. That shit pisses me the fuck off. WHAT THE FUCK! It's two fucking GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING WORDS ASSHOLES JUST SAY THEM BEFORE I IMPLODE.

I'm pms'ing.

I'm using my get out of jail free card.

I'm giving you a number and taking away your name.

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Last night I went karaoking with fellow bloggers Roy Hobbs, Cindy Lou and friend of Terra, Bonnie. We sang. We drank. We drank too much.

Ok.

Maybe I drank too much.

There are pictures which we will now refer to as exhibit A. Unfortunately they have been confiscated for evidence. What was left anyway. I may have destroyed some shit and otherwise obstructed justice.

Justice sucks handicapped ass anyway. Stupid blind justice.

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PS

Thanks for breakfast Andy... thanks for driving me to my car instead of a dark alley or a corn field or a rest stop or some of the other places that previous guys have felt the need to drive me to.

I'm old.

I don't run that fast anymore.

Fuck I’m tired and when I’m tired my mind goes loop de loop.

One strange thought and then the next.

Like, for some inexplicable reason I’ve got Meatloaf pounding through my head, “I would do anything for love, anything you’ve been dreaming of, but I just won’t do that.”

What an asshole.

What a tease.

Oh yeah baby, I’ll do anything. ANYTHING. Oh. Wait. You want me to do that? Well. You know, anything, but not that.

Fuck.

She probably wanted him to take out the garbage.

Put the toilet seat down for once.

Start helping out with the laundry or at least wipe his ass well enough to spare her the skid marks.

But you know. He’ll do anything… just not that.

Blah blah blah. Meatloaf. Crap. I don’t think I’ve even heard them in years and yet my mind is sifting through the history of bad songs that I used to love.

Ooom bop. Dudodooo bop. Yeah yeah.

Oh Hanson. I used to love them too. Shit. I still sing along to that song.

Stop.

Laughing.

Ooom Bop!

Haha. You know you want to hum it…. Do a little dance. It’s ok. Those kids were cute.

Anybody remember Silverchair?

I watched Sublime in concert before they were famous for death. The guy sang the chorus, emptied his water bottle out into the crowd and tossed us stickers with the sun.

I got wet and I still have the gray binder I stuck their name on.

Truth? Yeah. I didn’t like them in concert. I remember being bored and looking for cute boys and avoiding the pollution of cigarettes I didn’t yet smoke.

Cigarettes. Mmm.

Fuck. Now I want a smoke.

Loop de loop.

PS
You guys see my little flicker account to the right? Check back… massive fucking updates coming soon… In addition to website overhaul. I get so fucking bored with shit and I have just seen this pink flower for way too fucking long.

Oh Suburbite:

The word of the day is:

Mosfuckingdefinately

is super FREAKY!!!

Holy shit this show scares me! But I scare easy. And lately I tend to watch scary stuff alone and in the dark. Sometimes I'm not too quick on the uptake.

hehe

Anyway, here's what occurred to me while watching this.

If I was stalking some ghost and discovered that it kills on one highway during one week every twenty three years, I would just never go back there.

Problem solved.

I might even put up some signs warning others, "you might die. Go home" but that would be about it.

See, I just don't mess with scary supernatural shit.

ARUGFHAGSJDAGKLFAHEDGJ#%$#^^^^^^^&#####

enunciated correctly while banging head against wall

I like to think that I'm still young and stupid. Except I'm not, and maybe never really was.

Things that prove this?

Tonight (or this morning, whatever) while driving home a bit after midnight I'm behind an SUV filled with kids.

I don't like this shit due to the fact that I once watched a drunk driver kill himself and the passenger by swerving over the highway and rolling over in the ditch. Stupid shit.

So just as I decide to try and pass the suv changes lanes, speeds up, and proceeds to pass bottles of beer to the sedan in front of it.

The cars are swerving and kids are hanging out trying to pass the GLASS bottles.

Fuck man. In an ideal world I would've told all of their parents and watched them get the shit smacked out of them.

Olivia got married in the middle of butt fuck no where, aka, Canton Ohio. Some bitch I don't know (Not her real name, and only named this because she was there and I wasn't) stood up as her bridesmaid.

I wasn't there... her best friends FOREVER.

Neither were her sisters, her parents, cousins, etc.

This is what happens when you move to Ohio and get married. No one comes. I blame Ohio.

Anyway, so she's supposed to get married with her and her now husband's family present in Las Vegas early next year.

Except when I talk to her this morning she no longer wants to get remarried with everyone present because of the three girls that went to the wedding.

Girl A went home and told her live-in boyfriend that has never I said "I love you to her" that he doesn't understand how much she loves him. She said, "I'm not asking for a ring, I'm not asking for marriage right away, but I need to know this is heading there."

Girl B went home and talked non-stop about getting married until her BF asked what was up and she responded, "What do you mean what's up? Everyone I know is getting married, do you really think it's surprising that it's on my mind, 'when am I getting married'". By the way, the bf is apparently world class loser.

Girl C pointed to Les (Olivia's husband) and kept talking about how he was everything she wanted. Everything.

Jealousy is just eating them up raw and now every time Olivia goes to work she has to listen to them bitch.

None of these girls are older than 24 I think. None.

And part of me is mad at them and sad for them all at the same time. Olivia and Les have been together for SEVEN YEARS people. SEVEN! And a lot of them were not happy. Not at all. I love Olivia to death but I have to admit, yes reluctantly because I love her like hell and have forgiven her everything because she is so darn cute smart and adorable, that growing up she was one of the most blithely self centered people I have ever met. She used to hurt people all the time with her casualness and so her and Les had quite a hard time while they were both growing up.

Les knew how to cut her down with a word and so he did.

She wrote I hate you notes on his windows in red lipstick until she ran out of tubes in her purse and then she kicked the side of the house ineffectually.

He cut up her stuff and taped it to his garage door.

She gave him his stuff back and "accidentally" included a pair of underwear that wasn't his.

He wrote her an email that reduced her to a blog of self doubting hating gelatin goo.

So they took a two and a half year break where they grew up, became repentant, and learned that it always came back to them.

Not that the reunion was all peaches and cream either. They had to learn how to get past the past and some days I know they still struggle with that.

But they're happy now. They're better than good now, they're great. Sometimes great things take lots and lots of work. They get that, they understand that. And I am glad because I know that with how hard they have worked to make this work, there is nothing that can ever happen that they wouldn't be able to face. After seven years they know what it's like to live with one another day in, day out. They know routine gets boring, that some weeks stretch out so monotonously that you forget that you love each other and instead begin to see each other as a piece of furniture. A fixture.

I listen to her and wonder if I could ever have that much faith in someone else's imperfections. In my own. And I don't know. I come up blank.

These girls don't understand that. Or at least I don't think that they do.

But I do know this, to watch Olivia get married would not be about "ooh I want that someday! I want to wear a white dress and be the center of attention too!" It would be about meeting her when I was thirteen, getting Jason in trouble for talking too much. We always talked and, eventually when he finally chimed in with ONE word, he would be the one that got in trouble. The one that got detention. Poor Jason.

He was so hot. But soo soo dumb.

Watching her get married would be about remembering all the times she called me up crying because someone didn't respect how beautiful she was and instead of cherishing that they stomped all over her. She cried a lot. Even before she met Les. We were young. There might have been hormones involved.

Her getting married is us growing up.

For all of us. Her sisters, her parents, god time is precious you know?

And I know that more and more of late I am the only single girl at the wedding. I know that. I look around and it is glaringly obvious.

But half the time I know the couple and so I know that there marriage has a snowballs chance in hell of surviving. Why would I want that? And other times, like in Olivia's case, I know them intimately enough to know that my life has never followed a timeline that would allow me to be in that situation.

I'm not sad. I'm just realistic.

I have never dated anyone that I would like to be married to right now. In fact, if I had been stupid enough/drunk enough to marry them I probably would've gnawed through my own leg to gain freedom.

So, if I were going to rant it would be about this.

I hate people who hear me say, "I would like to find someone nice that I'm compatible with" and translate it into, she is 26 lonely and desperate.

I hate people who say, "I am (such and such age) and so depressed that I am single". When they say this I hear, "anybody single should be ashamed and sad" and suddenly I think that everyone looks at me with pity. What? Am I pitiful? WTF? Did I miss the fucking memo or WHAT!? I especially hate this when the person talking is younger than me.

I hate it when forty year old single and never married women say that I remind them of themselves at that age. Ok, I love these women. They're gorgeous, funny, outspoken and all. But.. I don't know. I would like to think by then I would've found someone able to put up with my crazy ass.

I hate people who think of marriage as some kind of fairytale thing and throw the word love around like "wash". As in "I need to wash my car" "You should wash the dishes" "We just met five minutes ago but I love you. Let's get married".

Is life a timer and I just don't get it? Is everybody's timer going off, "ding you are now 25. Time to get married" and I just don't know it? Did my timer go off but thanks to the fact that Puerto Ricans scream every single sentence I'm deaf and I just didn't hear it?

Wait... this post got sidetracked and I don't know how.

Oh yeah. I hate those girls.

If you met a girl and started to date her, how would you feel if you found out that her best friend is a guy, straight, AND she lives with him?

Seriously.

Random Thing #1:

Dear Fucking Cunt Licking Whore That I Encountered on the Freeway This Morning,

Eat shit and die.

Also: FYI you goddamn fucking MORON, when I put my turn signal on that means I MIGHT actually want to change lanes! I thought that would be self evident but apparently the peroxide has seeped into your brain! SO, when you see my turn signal and DECIDE to fucking speed up (that’s right you stupid fucking bitch, I SAW YOU FUCKING HESITATE INDICATING TO ME THAT YOU KNEW FULL WELL I WAS TRYING TO CHANGE LANES) YES, I did merge anyway causing you to slam on your brakes.

Bitch.

I wish I had brake checked you and made you eat your steering wheel.

I was not going to miss my exit and be late for my meeting JUST so you could say, "haha". Fuck off.

So great, now I know you know how to use your horn and YOU know I know how to use my middle finger.

Signed,

IhateYourFuckingCarAndIWouldn’tFuckYourHusbandWithMyEnemiesPu*#$

Random Thing #2:

On the bottom of my snapple cap is this thing called Real Fact #3

Beavers can hold their breath for 45 minutes.

Which made me wonder several things.

First of all, what are real facts 1 and 2?

Real Fact #1: We realize that you are stupid and have tried to enhance your intelligence with random stupid facts.

Real Fact #2: We know that you have tried to kill beavers before and so are just trying to help you out… after all. You are stupid. You might just try and drown them.

Random Thing #3:

I spend over three hundred dollars a month on gas commuting to work 3-4 hours a day in traffic that makes me go postal. So don’t EVER EVER fucking ask me what my goddamn motherfucking problem is unless you want to see my head spin and watch me spit green vomit.

Random Thing #4:

I’ve been dumped for swearing too much, and laughing too much, and acting more like a friend than a girlfriend. Which made me wonder what the fuck he was complaining about. I mean, it’s not like I’m swearing at church! Anyway, things I thought about while screaming obscenities on the freeway this morning but laughing a second later. Hehe. I’m all cool and shit.

Random Thing #5:

I’ve been a real bitch lately, saying mean shit to EVERYONE and thinking it was funny.

Last night I told my mom that it was time I introduce her to the fist of death.

Haha. That still cracks me up.

Anyway, if I’ve said or written anything shitty to you lately, off the top of my head I can think of at least five people, I totally apologize. I didn’t mean it, and I wasn’t even in a bad mood. I’ve just been ornery and more loud mouthed than usual.

In fact, I laughed while saying it/writing it, and only later did it occur to me that what I said was kinda fucked up. I’m stupid like that.

Today I saw X and he was all, "Hey I have a restraining order! You're not supposed to be within fifty yards of me!"

So I said, "Oh yeah? Well I don't see anyone around. Prove it."

At which point he pulled out a camera and I conceded the point.

Sidenote: The next time someone asks me what my favorite movie is I'm telling them Glitter.

It's about time I admit that shit.

Don't turn the blade on the guy in shades oh no
Cuz you've got it made with the guy in shades oh no

Fuck. I need to change my title on the blog pretty soon cuz I keep getting that tune stuck in my head everytime I come to check on comments.

I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can So I can

Ok. *Cough*

I'm all sick again and hopped up on theraflu. Those of you who are dedicated readers know that I just got over the cold from HELL! I think it's the same cold, returned to seek revenge for the death of it's father. Stupid fucking fatalistic colds. I'll kick the shit out of this one too. Grrr.

It's funny but when you are on a lot of medicine it feels like there's a wind blowing through your head. No? You don't get like that? Whatever. I bet you don't smoke for the small head rush either. Boring paperpusher. Hmm. My thoughts aren't very linear either when I'm sick. So here's a myriad of things that have happened today.

I spilled soda on my slacks. The beige ones. GODDAMNMOTHERFUCKINGFRIDAYMORNING.

I got little to no sleep last night due to the fact that my lung was apparently trying to escape my body through my mouth. *Cough* *Cough*

I woke up at two this morning from the middle of a dream that was, by far, one of the weirdest fucking dreams I ever had.What I immediately remembered of it was this, I was directing a music video that was chronicling the Mexican revolution and instructing everyone on the fadeout scenes and images I wanted to highlight the struggles. Why was this weird? I have a policy on NEVER EVER obtaining political information. Politics make people scream and foam at the mouth and I hate it when people act like that for extended periods of time. I'll stab them just to make them change the subject. So yeah, I know NOTHING about politics and can assure you that I care even less. Plus, although I can no longer quite remember it, I was directing the dream to make ironic jokes, and I was laughing at the jokes. But umm, when I woke up I realized that they were the dumbest jokes ever! Really stupid.

So apparently when I am asleep my brain thinks about politics and makes stupid jokes. Stupid brain.

Cindy Lou sent me an email that made me laugh my ass off. Funny girl.

Oh, and I decided to move back to San Jose. Next month. Yeah. I'm saying it out loud so I can't back out. So far I've got three options. Cross your fingers for me. No it doesn't matter which option you cross your fingers for... just as long as one of them works out I'll be just fine. I'm like a cat. I always land on my feet.

...oh.

I also contemplated revenge and thought about how much I hate some people. But I do that every day.

IMing with TIMMY!

This is a boring pointless post. So feel free to back out of it now. Go ahead. You know you want to.

Ok.

Still here?

First things first. I DO have an HNT post. At home. Ready and waiting. But, I'm not at home. So y'all 'll just have to wait until I get there. Check back later. Or tomorrow. I thought it was quite good. You might not... but who cares? The only thing that matters is MY opinion! MWUHAHAHA

umm. Ok. Crazy laughter out of the way, let's move on.

I'm so stuck on this short story. The first part ROCKS. Haha. But I'm all stuck on the middle. Want to hear about my problem? NO? Well... I don't care.

So the story is about a girl that always lies. Always. Think, "The Usual Suspects". But just because she lies doesn't necessarily mean she's a bad person. I guess what I'm trying to get the reader to realize is that she lies because really, she's a person of no substance, no genuiness, but she wishes she could be. So all of the stories that she makes up is so she can gain character from experiences that she's never actually experienced. Which prompts the question, can you love a lie?

But woven into this is Plato's theory of the shadowlands. This is the idea that our day to day life is nothing but a shadow of the afterlife, and pales in all aspects. So of course she meets someone that is genuine. But again, bringing in Plato, Plato (or was it Socrates? Oh fuck it, I don't care) theorized that the truth was like the sun shining in peoples eyes and that most people will duck their head and hide in the shadows to shield themselves from pain. So here she is a lie, in love with the truth. Problems.

Ok, so the only clue to this is ONE reference to the shadowlands. Which is crippling me because I keep thinking no one will get the reference.

So do I want to write a story that goes right over people's heads?

Or do I say fuck it. You should have taken Philosophy and read CS Lewis too! Assholes. Anyway. I'm stuck. fucking stupid smart story. That's it, I'm writing a new story.

Once there was a dog.

The end.

My hands feel dirty. All day it’s been bugging me. Since I woke up. Because it was bugging me last night.

And the day before.

And the week before that.

Fuck, I have the feeling that I need to wash my hands 24/7.

But I won’t do it.

That’s right, FUCK YOU OCD, YOU BASTARD!!!

I know your little game! First it’s, "Oh I’ll wash my hands so I can cook." Or "Oooh. I just took out the garbage, I should probably wash up"!

Before you know it I’m elbow deep in clorox scrubbing the third layer of my skin off.

Well, I sure showed you! I haven’t washed my hands in two weeks! Take that fucker!

If I have not had sex in a long time, and I do not plan on having sex for a long time, then why did I just shave my fucking legs?

Ha!

Do you really think ten things would have to happen for me to wish that? Fuck you're gullible.

1. My hair, blow dried straight, made me look like an 80's teen pop star. Fabulous.

2. My inner ear kept itching and so I kept shaking my head like a dog while growling. ALL DAY.

3. My two best friends BOTH called me pathetic. They're dead now.

4. I stalked Grace online and sent her photos of me. Hehe. Gotta love camera phones.

5. I found out the lady at the cafe downstairs named her daughter Sunshine. Which is SOOO cute! But it also made me jealous because I've never done half as much drugs as I should have.

6. I realized I have to work for a living. SHIT.

7. I drove to work.. cue road rage.

8. I ate a burger from Carls Jr.. and yes. It did get all over the place.

9. I stalked #$@%. Sorry. Thanks to a restraining order I can't tell you who. =)

10. I stared at emails that I never replied to. Fuck. I hate working.

Jimmy is one of my very best friends and he always will be.

He was there the night I tried to drink myself to death, he watched me bang my head into a wall and he helped me up the hill when I became incoherent. Things I've learned? Love sucks.

He picked me up the day I came that close to killing myself on the freeway and had to be pulled out of my vehicle through the passenger door because the driver's side wasn't working.

I almost broke up with a guy who didn't want me to be friends with Jimmy any longer and I will break up with any one foolish enough to give me that ultimatum ever again.

This, is the type of friend I am.

This, is the type of friend Jimmy is.

Saturday night we had an annual date night to celebrate his birthday and the short month where he will be older than me. Oh Jimmy, you are so old and decrepit now! Ha!

Until I am the same age again. At which time he becomes in his prime.

So on Saturday we met up for dinner and I realized something. Jimmy might just be in love with me. I don't know. Which is to say, I'm not really sure, but here is where my suspicions come in to play.

Jimmy always opens doors for me, car, store, house, etc.

Jimmy has an exceptionally hard time allowing me to pay for anything. In fact, the end of date night ended up with a game of pool and an argument over me paying. Whatever. It was his birthday for crying out loud!

He deliberately threw a couple of games of pool to allow me to win. So I deliberately threw a few too, and eventually he finally won.

He noticed my new hair color. Jimmy ALWAYS notices my new hair styles. Always. Even when no one else does.

He dislikes any one that dates me that doesn't treat me with utmost respect. No, he won't chew them out or go town on them (he doesn't believe in relationship interference) but after all these years I can now tell when he is displeased. To tell the truth, he's always right.

He walks me around puddles and holds branches out of my way or sits on barb wires so I can step over easier.

Which could all be chalked up to being a gentleman. Guys, take note, these things really make most women melt. Except I realized while talking about the latest girls that he is dating, he might not really do this for any one else.

The latest girl bought him cigarettes, filled up his gas tank etc. Which he thought was funny. Jimmy has never ever taken anything from me or allowed me to pay for anything. Another girl texted him during the meal and he called her a whore. We laughed, it wasn't said in a mean way.

When we talked about the different guys I had recently been talking to I could tell instantly that he wanted me to stop talking to one that I said made me uneasy and he liked the one that was very respectful. Even though I don't like him. Actually I don't really like any one I've talked to recently. Nope, the one I like is the one that may or may not know I'm alive. Typical. He also reminded me of some self defense moves... that might have involved the use of a knife. Hehe. Jimmy's funny.

He's also one of my exes very best friends.

I dated the ex for three years and so Jimmy knows me in ways that most others don't. He's seen me in love, he's seen me be the faithful devoting (gag) girlfriend, the cool girlfriend who was one of the group (YAY I am so COOL), and when we broke up he watched both of us dying. Let mine and the exes break up go down as one of the most heart wrenching things I've ever survived. Because it was.

For clarification, I think if Jimmy is in love with me, it is some sort of idol worship love, and not anything close to the real thing. I am some combination of hot tomboy, "one of the boys" girl, little sister, and the best friends ex.

And what is Jimmy to me? Jimmy is lying in Niles creek, young and drunk with a crowd of people in similar conditions in the dead of night hoping the police don't stumble upon us. Jimmy is car chases, police chases, and mother's running out of their house screaming because I (that's right me) just did a ten foot long burnout in front of their house while trying to learn how to do a brake stand in a stick. So fucking hard by the way.

I will never forget the time I saw Jimmy throw a fire extinguisher at his burning car or the day he cried and told me "I'm not embarrassed. It takes a real man to cry Terra. How can that be embarrassing?"

Jimmy is my friend... nothing more.

And also now my back up. If neither one of us are married at 35 the plan is to marry one another. This was the hair brained scheme we concocted while staring at a "divorce for $299" sign across from the pool hall. Vegas on our 35th birthdays and a marriage contract for two years so no one can tell us how stupid we were for getting married and thus becoming even bigger losers than people who never get married at all.

We better get married before that though (to other people of course) because I can tell you right now I probably won't love Jimmy anymore when our last names are the same. He'll start some crap about me washing dishes and doing laundry, he'll stop opening doors and standing on rugs while I vacuum them and before you know it I will have killed him while he slept. Or ate dinner. Or watched TV. Really. I can strike at any time. I'm crazy irrational like that.

Idol worship only works from afar... and as you dear readers know, I am many things, but not perfect.

Today I saw a commercial for a new show starring Jennifer Love Hewitt. Ghost Whisperer.

First things first, I thought that bitch had died?!!!!! What the fuck!!! When will she go the fuck away!

GAWD!!!!

Second if I was Nicholas Sparks, or whoever the fuck that gay pussy was that wrote the horse whisperer and then went on to torture us with shit like The Notebook, I would sue the shit out of those unimiginitive bastards that stole my fucking title.

Bitches.

How many god damn tv shows are on right now about chicks that do supernatural shit. Although I never watched it I remember some stupid shit called Joan of Arcadia, and then theres that ugly blonde chick who's a cop that talks to dead people... wait. What the fuck was my point.

Oh yeah. These stupid fucks obviously don't have an original fucking idea in their brains.

YEAH!!!

(Thirteen Years Old)

Olivia- Hi. You’re in my morning class right?

Me- Right.

Olivia- PE sucks. Are you new?

Me- Yeah.

Olivia- Sit next to me. I’ll introduce you to everyone.

**********************************************************************

Olivia- Fuck I hate Tennis. I can’t hit the ball for shit!

Me- No kidding. This ball spends all of it’s time in the bushes.

Olivia- With us running after it…. It’s kind of funny. We should write a story about it.

Me- Yeah, “Adventures of the Green Fuzzy Thing”

Us- Laughter

PE Teacher- Girls! STOP TALKING!!!

**********************************************************************

Olivia- David’s kinda cute.

Me- David… David Green?

Olivia- Yeah. What do you think?

Me- He looks like a Christmas tree.

**********************************************************************

Olivia- You want a cigarette?

Me- No thanks. Oh. Gosh! Ow ow ow. I stubbed my toe.

Olivia- Terra. Just say fuck. It’s nothing but a word. Shit. You act like you’re going to go straight to hell.

Me- Well… I just don’t like cussing. What did you do over summer?

Olivia- I’ve been dating this guy Jimmy.

Me- Cool. Do we have him in any classes?

Olivia- No. He got expelled. He’s really nice.

Me- Ok. Umm. So what did he get expelled for?

Olivia- He had a knife at school.

Me- OLIVIA

**********************************************************************

Olivia- You want a cigarette?

Me- No.

Olivia- Let’s ditch school. Fuck this place.

(20 minutes later)

Me- Where to?

Olivia- The Library?

(Two hours later)

Olivia- Who knew you could have so much fun at the library?

**********************************************************************

Me- Olivia! My date cancelled for Senior Prom! OH SHIT WHAT AM I GOING TO DO???

Olivia- Hey… let me introduce you to this guy Robert. He’s a friend of Jimmy’s. You have to go!

**********************************************************************

Olivia- My date’s a prick. He thinks cuz it’s prom I’m putting out. He’s hit on EVERYONE here!

Me- I know. French exchange student bastard! He even hit on your sister. And all of our friends. And he’s looking at me funny.

Olivia- Robert’s so cute. But Grace wants him… and she’s scary.

Me- So… I bet we can run faster than her.

Olivia- Yeah. You’re right. Fuck her.

**********************************************************************

(after graduation… living on our own… at 10 oclock on a Saturday night)

Olivia- What are you doing?

Me- Watching TV

Olivia- Come up!!! I want you to see my new apartment! COME COME COME!!!

Me- But, you live Three hours away!!!! (glance at clock) … OK.

(an hour and forty-five minutes later)

Me- Open up Olivia!

Olivia- Holy shit!!! How did you get up here so fast?

Me- You didn’t say this place had a gate! I had to jump the fence to get in!

Chris- Shit Olivia. You got cool friends! That girl did a hundred up here and then jumped a fence!

Me- Can I have a cigarette?

**********************************************************************

Us… in the white bronco… singing One Headlight by The Wallflowers.

**********************************************************************

Olivia- I think you should date Robert.

Me- What? No. No.

Olivia- I think you guys are in love.

Me- He’s you’re ex boyfriend!!!

Olivia- Yeah. I know.

Me- Besides… Grace would kill me.

Olivia- We can still run faster. Just don’t look back or we’ll lose ground.

**********************************************************************

Olivia- I met this guy Les. He’s kind of an asshole.

Me- He sounds like an asshole.

**********************************************************************

(six months later)

Me- Break up with him before I break his fucking legs with a baseball bat.

Olivia- I love him.

**********************************************************************

Olivia- I left him.

Me- For good this time?

Olivia- Yes… I promise.

Me- Good.

**********************************************************************

(Two years later)

Me- Just get back with Les. FUCK I AM SICK OF HEARING ABOUT HIM! Les Les Les. GRRR.

Jimmy- Yeah. She’s right. (yep, same expelled for weapons Jimmy)

Me- I’m always right. See. Jimmy’s smart enough to know this.

**********************************************************************

(one year later)

Olivia- Hello?

Me- (crying)

Olivia- What happened?

Me- I left Robert. It’s over. We’re done.

Olivia- Stay where you are. I’m on my way.

Me- (crying) I’m three hours away..

Olivia- Stay where you are. I’ll be there, have Jimmy wait with you until I get there.

**********************************************************************

Olivia- Les and I are moving back in together.

**********************************************************************

Me- Olivia. I can’t get my head up off this table. Oh fuck. I can’t even walk.

Olivia- Told you that shit was strong.

Me- Holy fuck I AM TRASHED.

Olivia- Hold my hair, I gotta puke.

**********************************************************************

Me- I’m around the corner…. I just totalled my truck. Get here fast or I’m going to jail.

Lady Who Just Helped Total My Car- Hey! That was your fault I hope you know!

Me- Lady get the fuck back in your goddamn car before I do something I can’t take back! (screamed while kicking the side of my truck)

Olivia- Terra, get in your truck, I’ll be right there.

Me- Shit shit shit shit shit fuck I need a smoke.

**********************************************************************

Me- I don’t know what I want to be. The only thing I’m sure of is that I know nothing.

Olivia- Einstein said the older you get the more you know how little you know.

Me- Still. Shouldn’t I have some clue?

Olivia- Terra, all the education I have, and all I really want to be is a mother. But Les is never going to marry me so that’s fucked.

Me- He’ll marry you… (or I’ll kill him).

**********************************************************************

Chris- Do you guys remember getting kicked out of that bar last night?

Us- We did not!

Chris- Yeah you did. You fell off the barstool and then got kicked out.

Me- Oh yeah! I remember the falling part. HA. And then we tried to pretend like it didn’t happen! We got kicked out?

Chris- YES

Me- Oh.

Olivia- I don’t remember any of that.

**********************************************************************

Olivia- I’m GETTING MARRIED!!!

**********************************************************************

Olivia’s getting married. She’s known Les eight years now and they’ve been through hell and back. I’m not sure anyone else could have survived the things they did to one another.

And they’re great now.

Which is the point of the story and the reason for getting married.

Today.

At six oclock.

In Ohio.

Excuse me while I cry happy tears at my desk and reminisce over my youth. Best friends are not supposed to get married thousands of miles away from one another. I’m booking a flight to Ohio for the end of the month. It’s the next best thing I can do.

We’re both 26 this month.

Update (sorta seeing as how it's only been a few hours)

Just got off the phone with Jimmy who was almost hit by a car since he was so distracted talking to me. Dumbass stopped in the middle of the street when I made the comment that I was being jabbed in the jaw. Sicko. He's so happy for Olivia too.

And Chris? Chris is in Louisiana. He took off last night to volunteer as an ERT person to help out during the crisis. He's so awesome. Please everyone say a prayer for him since he is helping out in a way that I am so underqualified for and too scared to ever do.

I haven’t been to a “normal” gym in years. Mostly because people disturb me.

Seriously.

I stopped going when my gym stopped giving aerobic classes. Which wasn’t so bad but then they cut out the powerlifting class and stopped teaching dance too. Stupid fucking gym. If I wanted to go on a bike I’d take my actual fucking bike out instead of sitting my ass on some stationary bike with a seat that wants to rape me while a stranger yells “faster”.

For a while I kept going, jumping on the treadmill staring forlornly at the empty class calendar. I get so bored on the treadmill. I’m way too smart to think I’m actually going anywhere.

And… yes there’s an “and”!

I SWEAT when I go the gym. I mean sweat. And if I don’t sweat I get pissed because what the fuck is the point of going to the gym if I don’t sweat? Except I sweat from my head… profusely… which of course is very noticeable.

Oh.

And my ass. My ass sweats like crazy!

NO I CAN’T HAVE BACK SWEAT AND UNDERARM SWEAT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON!!!! FUCK.

When I went to the classes we all sweat like crazy but no one ever looked at each other cuz we were too busy following instructions and not falling off rhythm.

So without the classes I was stuck on the treadmill worrying about my sweaty ass and staring at all the stupid fucks who come to the gym with FULL ON MAKEUP!

I’m talking foundation, lipstick, perfectly coifed hair! Everything! WTF?! Stupid bitches.

“Oooh let me walk slowly from machine to machine sipping my bottle of evian and occasionally pausing to stretch.”

Umm. Why are you stretching? I haven’t seen you do a goddamn thing miss “I never work out and only weigh 110”. Really. Get the fuck out of my line of vision. AND WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING ME WAIT FOR A MACHINE THAT YOU’RE NOT USING BUT MERELY POSING ON?

Fuckgoddamnshitwhore.

So… if I adjusted my vision I could instead stare at the men weight lifting. Which sounds ok but I don’t want any of these pansy ass secretly gay guys to think I’m staring at them.

Which is when I noticed something. I can do try out sex screening at the gym ALL DAY LONG!!!

If you watch the guy’s at the gym, they’re all sweaty and stuff, and just as they’re about to push that rep, lift that bar, they brace themselves, tense, and exhale like crazy. Fuck it’s their “O” face!!!

My muscle es very big, yes?

Hey guys, check out my temporary portfolio online... oh. and if you live nearby... REFER ME. Just kidding. You know all I want is props so that I don't drown my sorrow in alcohol...

oh.

Wait.

Never mind. Tell me I suck... I've been sober too long.