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Thursday, September 01, 2005 

Let Me Show You My O Face

I haven’t been to a “normal” gym in years. Mostly because people disturb me.


I stopped going when my gym stopped giving aerobic classes. Which wasn’t so bad but then they cut out the powerlifting class and stopped teaching dance too. Stupid fucking gym. If I wanted to go on a bike I’d take my actual fucking bike out instead of sitting my ass on some stationary bike with a seat that wants to rape me while a stranger yells “faster”.

For a while I kept going, jumping on the treadmill staring forlornly at the empty class calendar. I get so bored on the treadmill. I’m way too smart to think I’m actually going anywhere.

And… yes there’s an “and”!

I SWEAT when I go the gym. I mean sweat. And if I don’t sweat I get pissed because what the fuck is the point of going to the gym if I don’t sweat? Except I sweat from my head… profusely… which of course is very noticeable.


And my ass. My ass sweats like crazy!


When I went to the classes we all sweat like crazy but no one ever looked at each other cuz we were too busy following instructions and not falling off rhythm.

So without the classes I was stuck on the treadmill worrying about my sweaty ass and staring at all the stupid fucks who come to the gym with FULL ON MAKEUP!

I’m talking foundation, lipstick, perfectly coifed hair! Everything! WTF?! Stupid bitches.

“Oooh let me walk slowly from machine to machine sipping my bottle of evian and occasionally pausing to stretch.”

Umm. Why are you stretching? I haven’t seen you do a goddamn thing miss “I never work out and only weigh 110”. Really. Get the fuck out of my line of vision. AND WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU MAKING ME WAIT FOR A MACHINE THAT YOU’RE NOT USING BUT MERELY POSING ON?


So… if I adjusted my vision I could instead stare at the men weight lifting. Which sounds ok but I don’t want any of these pansy ass secretly gay guys to think I’m staring at them.

Which is when I noticed something. I can do try out sex screening at the gym ALL DAY LONG!!!

If you watch the guy’s at the gym, they’re all sweaty and stuff, and just as they’re about to push that rep, lift that bar, they brace themselves, tense, and exhale like crazy. Fuck it’s their “O” face!!!

My muscle es very big, yes?


I Can't Help You Now - Look, I have two songs on my hard drive that don't have the name 'iTunes' tatooed to their asses, so suck it
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