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Wednesday, July 22, 2009 

Too Young to Feel this Damn Old

I like the fact that no one's looking here. I get to be me and not worry that I'm whiny, or boring, or too sappy. It's like that abandoned playground my cousin and I found when we were little. Okay. It wasn't abandoned and we had to jump a fence to get in, but it was still awesome.

Today I'm running around my abandoned playground playing with this thought, I don't pray. I mean, I have faith, I am thankful for all of the many blessings I have, but I still don't pray. When my cousin was on life support I prayed that she not be sad that she was leaving us behind. Not that she wouldn't die. And when my mom was diagnosed with cancer, I thanked God for all of the good years we've had. I wasn't accepting that she would die, I just don't feel that there's anything I could ever say or do that would change fate.

Bad people live every day and good people die. Who am I to say that my mother's better or deserves to live more than someone else? In addition, if prayer really does work, I don't think there's a God that would strike my mother down simply because her daughter has questionable self esteem.

That said, I'm tired of living alone. No one in my family lives alone, and after all these years I'm wondering if I was bred to be single and coming back with, "Hell no!". But I can't shake my nonsensical approach to life which tells me people attract a certain aspect into their lives over and over again and whatever comes their way is what they're willing towards them.

I've never been engaged. I've never had an engagement ring purchased for me. I've never been crazy in love with someone that was crazy in love with me. There's all these good things in my life. More good than many people can ever hope for, let alone have. Who am I to think that with my history that things will change, or even that I deserve to have them change? And if I do eventually get married who's to say it will be any different from my past relationships? Except this time with a ring.

I'm not trying to convince myself that my life is destined to stay single because I would guess the odds are against that. But just in case... I'd like to be prepared. At the same time I'm hoping to be proved wrong, every minute of every day, and because of this completely stupid hope, every second that I'm not proved wrong? Just hurts like hell.