Wednesday, December 27, 2006 

Things I Would Like To Know

Why the Irishman sometimes pees in the toilet and then leaves it for me to find. It's not that I really need the reminder about how good the good old days were. When I lived alone and didn't occasionally fall into toilets filled with pee only to find that once again the motherfucker left me without toilet paper.


Wednesday, December 20, 2006 

Slight Panic

Do you think it's too late to send out my Christmas cards?
It's too late isn't it?
Fuck this. I don't give a fucking shit. FINE I DIDN'T SEND YOU A CHRISTMAS CARD GET THE FUCK OVER IT!
but they sent me one.
and oh shit.
here's another one in the mail.
Oh wait. This one's cute. Look at her baby!
Plus I actually like this person. and would like for them to get a card from me in return.
must resist all feelings of kindness. i think i'll go kick the cat. hey. i'm over it. what can i do now? oh yeah. must kill liver.



My Friends Fucking ROCK!

(This article is about one of my best friends ex boyfriends, who also happens to be my ex boyfriend's best friend. Which just goes to show, I hang out with the BEST PEOPLE EVER)

Psychiatric patient subdued after trying to drive off in S.J. police car
Mercury News

San Jose police subdued a man slated for a psychiatric evaluation who tried to steal an ambulance, succeeded in making off with a car and then tried to drive away in a police patrol car early this morning.

Officers struggled with the 25-year-old before arresting him on Saratoga Avenue near Interstate 280 around 1 a.m. and after he'd already been Tased once, officer Enrique Garcia said.

The incident started when doctors at Kaiser Medical Center in Santa Clara called to have the man transported to another hospital for a psychiatric evaluation at 11:30 p.m., Garcia said. the man became agitated in the ambulance, Garcia said, and threatened to steal it.

The driver pulled over and got out of the ambulance near the intersection of Saratoga and Stevens Creek Boulevard. He took the keys to ambulance with him.

While the driver called 911, the man -- unable to start the emergency vehicle -- ransacked the front of the ambulance and took off on foot, Garcia said.

Santa Clara police dispatchers took the ambulance driver's call and put out a notice to other police departments to be on the look out for the man.

Meanwhile, the man found a pair of stranded motorists near Kiely Boulevard and Saratoga. He stopped to help them and, just as a San Jose police officer approached the group, jumped into the 4-door 1999 Daewoo that just began working again. the man drove it down the street, Garcia said.

The officer gave chase for less than a block. the man pulled over near where Saratoga meets 280. He got out of the car and the officer walked toward him.

The two then struggled and the man tried to grab the officer's gun, Garcia said. The officer was able to hold him off, but then, according to Garcia, the man ran toward the patrol car and jumped into the driver's seat.

The officer jumped at the man and was hanging half outside of the car as the pair struggled for control of the steering wheel, according to Garcia.

As they struggled, the officer called for back-up. He also fired his Taser at the man.

After the man was Tased, Garcia said, he began driving the patrol car in circles on Saratoga near 280. At this point, according to Garcia, backup officers had arrived.

Ultimately, the man drove the patrol car into a fence and rammed it into two other patrol cars. He then got out of the car and, after another struggle, was arrested by police.

the man, the officer who first struggled with him and a sergeant were taken to the hospital for evaluation.

the man was booked into Santa Clara County Jail. He faces charges of auto theft, attempting to take an officer's handgun, attempted auto theft for trying to take the ambulance and carjacking for forcibly taking control of the police car.


Monday, December 18, 2006 

Your Exes are Your Exes for a Reason

Someone asked why my ex and I broke up and I answered that I didn't so much leave him as I left me. He thought I was this big bad evil person that told him what to do all day long when he could be out having fun drinking while I was at home cleaning and basically I hated me. Hated saying something normal and him reacting like it was a call to arms and then he was yelling and I was yelling and then I blacked out and when I came to I was covered in blood, but look, I was ACQUITTED, so why in the fuck are we still talking about this? Sheesh.
Look, I'd go to therapy, but I'm just too busy.
(Clarification: not talking about the Irishman, it's way too soon for that to go to trial.)


Wednesday, December 13, 2006 

'Tis The Season To Buy a Rifle

I love Christmas.
I love the music, and the ornaments, and the children. Oh how I love the children. With their sticky little faces and their petulant screams, 'MINE MINE MINE'.
Yeah. They're great.
But you know what's even better? Their retarded parents. Parents so numb and broke and sad about their sad little pathetic lives that they wander around, in front of me, and don't realize I'm about to saw their heads off with a rusty blade.
It's like they woke up and decided to go chat with all of their fucking friends and relatives in the middle of fucking target.
'Oh, here's an empty aisle, why don't I set up camp!!'
'Oh look at me, I'm the center of my own fucking universe and since I'm completely self involved I'm going to walk agonizingly slow down the central aisle whiled TEXTING! Because that's how much of a fucktard I am!'
'Hey Jeana, oh my GAWD, can you believe she wore that to the X Mas Party (I'm so cool I abbreviate in real life) what a sluh uh ut! Aw NO! We shouldn't move to the side of the aisle, or I don't know, GO THE FUCK HOME TO HAVE THIS MORONIC CONVERSATION BECAUSE GOD DAMN IT, WE'RE BEAUTIFUL AND PEOPLE LOVE US.'
I want to take all of these peoples children into a beautifully decorated room and show them a movie where Santa dies.


Friday, December 08, 2006 

God Fucking Damn You

So I go up to the Irishman and I'm all, "Hey, listen to this idea for a skit!"
Cause that's what I do when I live with you. Fucking annoy you.
"Okay, it'd be called the racist guy and..." Irishman's eyes glaze over.
"No, listen, it's really funny."
"Terra it's not funny, it's weird."
And here's the thing, of course it's fucking weird! I'M FUCKING WEIRD! And I fucking hate all these goddamn think inside the box cookie cutter people who can't get their heads out of their fucking asses long enough to fucking listen to me and use their goddamn fucking imagination to realize I'M FUNNY!
If I was on SNL or Mad these fucking people would be braying like donkeys, and I'd fucking own them! I could say, get me a glass of water, and these mindless fucks would fall out of their chairs laughing hysterically while I kicked them in the teeth. 
Whatever, I'm wierd. Oh yeah, because the concept for Will Ferrell's Elf was so fucking normal.


Thursday, December 07, 2006 

Funny Memories

My friend's boyfriend once told her, "Stop talking. How you think doesn't make sense," while waving his hands around and looking disgusted.
And what makes this even funnier, and REALLY brought home the point, was that she STILL didn't get he was calling her stupid and asked me what I thought he meant.
"Umm... geez, I don't know."  (dumbass)


Tuesday, December 05, 2006 

What's My Age Again?

For those of you not in the know, those of you not 'cool' enough, those of you I barely tolerate... wait. Who am I kidding. If I had better hygiene I'm sure I'd have more friends... but I don't. And I'm not willing to buy soap. So I'll settle for the few of you reading this.
Anywho... I'm 27, my sister is 10. Go figure, I was the 'oops' baby. And last weekend I called shotgun, raced my sister to the car, jumped on top of her and refused to move. Even when our mother started the car and started driving down the street. Which reminds me. She's psycho. The fucking door wasn't even closed!
She is so recklessly immature. Pfft.