« Home | Monday monday » | Snow Sharks » | HNT » | Breaking Up is Hard To Do » | Chronicles of Calvin » | The Cat Came Back, The Very Next Day, Thought He W... » | Part One, Part Two, Part... oh fuck it. I talk to... » | Things I'm thankful for... (note, this video is a ... » | Note: » | At Work I Work, No, Really... Inbetween Emails » 

Tuesday, December 06, 2005 

say hello to my little friend

little being an objective term.

Tommy weighs twelve pounds and today he got in trouble for tilting his mouth upwards and leaning under his food bag like he expected me to just funnel the food straight into his mouth.

fat asshole.

so i told him to sit.

fat smart asshole knows commands.



for instance, if he hears commands, such as 'no', 'down', or 'out', but none of the commands include his name and/or you're not looking directly at him, then he knows he's safe. This comes in handy if you're someone like me, who treats all stupid things like dogs.

i use short barking commands until people shut the fuck up and do what i say.

i think he knows about fifteen seperate commands that he actually obeys.


because he knows his mom is a vicious psycho and he lives in constant fear.

this is how smart my kitty is (ok. even mad at him i think he's the best darn thing since automatic rifles), when he lived outside he used to go with me on my daily walks. that's right. he was always within ten feet of me, and people used to shake their heads, "crazy fucking cat thinks he's a dog."


I wish.

if he were a dog i would train him to kill on command.

anyway, today the fat bastard refused to sit. then he knocked his head into the water bowl and spilt it everywhere. this was right before he, mistakenly, concluded that the food should skip the bowl and fall right into his open mouth.

which is when fat ass got in trouble.

stupid stupid fat ass.

so then, while being fed, he was told, "no" and made to sit, wait, and in general, behave.

except he got all confused.

this was something new. he's never given the command, 'wait', especially not during feeding time.

so he got all nervous.

he heard the word no, he knew he was in trouble, except not WHY he was in trouble.

at first i stared at his nervous bundle of fur crouched anxiously near the food, you could tell he wanted to eat but was afraid, "oh shit. if i eat mom'll kill me."

i told myself, that's OK! he was bad! he knocked food and water all over my damn floor, he's gained two fucking pounds in the last six months AND i can HEAR him when he eats! he shoves his head in the bowl and does an excellent imitation of an ethiopian child complete with swollen belly.

he deserved to get punished!

but then he looked around, all twitchy. you could tell he wanted to be good but didn't know how. there have never been rules at feeding time. so then I had to go pick him up, take him to his food and pet him while he ate.

today's mantra? i don't feel bad i don't feel bad i don't...

i'm so fucking soft that i'm going to have to cut a stranger to regain my rep.