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Friday, December 16, 2005 

Last Night I Watched Porn



Ok. It wasn't exactly porn, it was HBO.... same thing. Which reminds me, why don't I own any porn? WTF is up with that? Oh yeah, I used to date a lot of loser uptight men, "OMG! Terra goes to porn shops!! Must put a stop to that."

Bah. Boring.

I wish there were a way to find out, in the VERY beginning, how uptight vs. how crazy a guy is. Like, does he hate talking dirty? If you ask him his fantasy over the phone will he go quiet and suddenly say, "You know, I'll just talk to you later" while you're left on the other side thinking, "FUCK! Not again!"

Boring ass losers. Wait... was my point? Oh yeah, I own no porn. Fuck.

So I channel surfed over to HBO (they always have porn on) and found Cathouse.

For those of you that don't know, Cathouse is reality television filmed at the Bunny Ranch over in Reno.

WHORES WHORES AND MORE WHORES!

And I learned something last night, well, actually I learned two things.

The first is that I could never be a whore, these girls have to sleep with some pretty ugly guys. Like, YUCK. Gag. And, they act pretty enthusiastic throughout the whole thing. Even during the interviews afterwards! I kept thinking, "wow! They either really liked it, or they're the best fucking actresses I've ever seen."

COULD NOT DO IT.

But the second thing I learned was by far the most interesting. A woman came over to teach the girls new positions, to liven things up, WOW they're customers, etc, and this woman got into the wierdest most interesting poses that I have ever seen.

First things first, man this girl was LIMBER.

In one pose she stood up, bent down to touch her toes, then pushed her back up against the wall and forced her head and shoulders through her legs thus allowing her to grab the guys legs as he, umm, well, you know.

What was that?

Did I try it?

Well, I kinda had to. It's like when Count Dracula sings on Sesame Street, you just have to sing right along.

FYI, I can do it, sorta, but I also can't breathe while doing it, which I'm sure takes some of the pleasure away from the whole situation.

Plus, when I was doing it, you could see the curve in my back and upper stomach separating me from my lower body, meanwhile the whore on television just folded in on herself like a lawn chair.

Second position? (and yes, for the record I did try that one too with the same results as before)

Laying down on your back you put your legs back, all the way back, and hook them behind your OWN shoulders.

Totally thrusts your butt way up in the air.

All the whores on tv were laughing (so was I) but apparently it hits your g-spot w/out fail.

SUH WEET!

Um. Yeah. So this has been your weekly sex education class (way better than that shit you learn in school), and now I have to go.

I have to... stretch.

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The whores have a no nonsense mind for business. If I ever start my own, I'm hiring one, or two.

I watch the show from time to time... The best woman is Isabella, the one farthest to the right.

I watched this one too!!
Kinda crazy they can show VERY LONG segments of not-too-far-away 69 positions, especially in the days of Tivo pause/rewind/slomo on such an easy channel to add to the cable bill!!
I didn't get to try the poses yet; damn dog keeps thinking I'm giving him an easy angle ;)

Mike- You should hire three or four. Just better business sense.

Jon- She's so cute! She looks like the girl next door!

Miss Sassy- HA! yeah, I had to kick the cats away from me.

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