The Movie Review Where You Realize You Slightly Hate Me
pssst: I'm about to ruin the ending to almost ALL of these movies, so if you haven't watched them and intend to at some point, then you should just stop reading now.
In order to do this movie review I have to admit something I'd rather not. Okay, I sort of like those romantic comedies. In fact I have a favorite... or two. One of my favorite movies is Forces of Nature with (cough) Sandra Bullock and Ben Affleck.
What? Fuck you. Look, I know it's a stupid girlie movie, but it's also great. Here's the premise of the movie:
Ben (whose character ironically is named Ben as well, stooo-pid) is engaged to a lovely modern girl raised in the south played by Maura Tierney (that pretty girl who was on News Radio and is now on ER). Why she doesn't have even a trace of an accent (while the rest of her family does) we'll never know. There's a very short but sweet intro in the beginning where you get to see them to talking about their impending nuptials and what it will be like to be married. Directly after this scene Maura heads down to her family's plantation while Ben, finishing up business, follows closely behind.
On the way anything and everything that can possibly go wrong does. Planes crash, cars break down, he meets the crazy but lovable while being sexy Sandra B., falls half in love with her, meets numerous divorced/cheating couples, and stands on top of a train screaming and beating his chest.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that along the way everything under heaven tries to prevent him from making it to his wedding on time, and in the middle of it all he learns to loosen up. He also starts to think, maybe he doesn't want to get married after all.
Sandra B. has her own problems. The reasons she provides for needing to get cross country are constantly changing and all of her stories are contradictory. What you finally learn is that as a young teenager she made many mistakes that she is only now beginning to understand and trying to repair.
Meanwhile Maura is being seduced by her old high school/college sweetheart (who also has a southern accent), she's learned her parent's are divorcing, and she's beginning to question the wedding as well.
So why do I love this movie? Okay, here is where I spill the ending, because Ben DOES make it to the wedding. And when he does, in the middle of a hurricane with leaves and wedding decorations spinning everywhere, the moment that he sees Maura in her wedding dress everything goes silent. The wind keeps going, people keep running in the background, their hair is blowing around, but you can see that the only two people that exist in that moment is Maura and Ben.
You see, that is love. Understanding that other things get in the way but nothing changes your feelings for one another. It's easy to get distracted by shiny objects, but it's not necessarily better. And Sandra? Sandra needed to find herself, that's where she belonged, not with Ben. And the movie stayed true to that. Which is why I love it and have for years.
So why do I bring all of this up? Because last night I watched this:
The Family Stone
First off, Claire Danes.
Remember when Claire Danes was the 'it' girl? Now we have Scarlett Johanssen and Katie Holmes. I'm sorry, I'm not impressed AT ALL with Scarlett's acting, and Katie Holmes? Not only does she look mousy she obviously has no fucking backbone. The comments her ex, Chris Klein, has made to the press are so fucking chauvinistic and repugnant I'm surprised no women's movement organization has put a hit out on him yet and Tom Cruise is just.
Just.
Fuck. I don't even need to say it.
But Claire Danes? She was angst, awkwardness, teenage acne and pretty in a gawky sort of way that made so many young women connect with her. Sure our hormones were raging, sure looking back she was a bit whiny and bitchy, but we were teenagers. I watched My So Called Life and I saw myself and every single one of my friends and Clare Danes, she was just awesomeness epitomized onscreen.
Second, Sarah Jessica Parker? Okay, who else is sick of her old haggard face paired with her, "Oh I'm just a little girl" voice and supposed to be coy tilt head down and eyes peek up look? God. I just want to fucking puke. She needs to get over herself.
Also, news flash Sarah, you're OLD. Geez.
Anyway, so Dermot Mulroney is dating New York Sarah and decides to take her home to his quirky uptight New England family, who think that they are so down to earth (although take a fucking look at their house. Down to earth my ass) and original that they almost automatically view themselves as too good for her.
What?
I'm sorry, I totally expected this to be the typical uptight NY'er thinks she's too good for the burbs scenario. But no, the opposite, this family is (although very close knit and nice in their own way) a complete bunch of stuck up assholes.
So of course Sarah goes all looney and brings her sister (Claire Danes) up for support while Dermot's whole family tries to talk him out of proposing. I'm sorry, but it's none of their fucking business to tell him who he can and cannot marry. Fuckers. Especially when although she might not fit in she obviously has good intentions.
Don't read the rest of this if you don't want to know the ending of the movie.
Okay, here's the part that completely pissed me the fuck off.
Luke Wilson (who is so hot that I would probably cheat on ANYONE with him, in a second, with no second thoughts or regrets) is Dermot's brother and he keeps hitting on Sara.
Dermot starts hitting on Claire almost as soon as she gets to town. By the way, the whole fucking family loves her.
Oh and what happens? You guessed it. Within 24 hours Sara gets with Luke and Dermot proposes to Claire.
What kind of fucked up family is this? Where in the fuck would this fly? AND I'M SORRY YOU DON'T FUCKING PROPOSE IN 24 HOURS.
This movie was such fucking bullshit that I almost snapped the rented DVD in half.
Which brings me to the last movie review which has to be brought up for similar bouts of stupidity.
The Wedding Date
Dude, Dermot, you were hot in My Best Friends Wedding, but the older and older you get the more and more I realize you have Avalanche Face.
Please go away and take your sliding face with you.
Also, Debra Messing, you need a tan. Or a bag to put over your face. You were never very pretty to begin with, and although I am glad that someone loves you in real life I believe that fate to be inevitable whereas whether or not I should have to view you in the media should be seen as something avoidable.
Your press shots? Lovely. It's called touch up and great lighting. Please, never ever do another movie where it is quite evident that whether a man has avalanche face or not he could quite obviously do better than you.
Ahem.
That said, the premise of this movie is so fucking stupid that I had to kill the friend that forced me to accompany her to see it. It was drivel, it was the shit of drivel. It was stupid and lame and repulsive and ON TOP OF IT, I had to see Debra Messing in a SKIRT (GAH WHITE SOFT LEGS) and endure closeups of Dermots face (please let me keep the dream of when he used to be hot).
Somebody should pay for my suffering.
So Debra's got to go to some stupid wedding and so she hires stupid Dermot who is the hottest paid whore in NYC to accompany her. But NOT, ahem, for sex. Merely for a date. I mean, c'mon people, would she really stoop that low?
So OF COURSE they have sex, and of course they fall in love, cue the completely predictable jokes and ending.
Here's my question, so now you're in love, with a hooker. And extremely well paid wealthy hooker. Who has made his living for over a decade as A HOOKER.
What do you tell your folks?
And what do you do when he runs out of money and can't get a new job because HE'S A HOOKER?!
Dumb fucking bitch.
Some of you are probably wondering why I didn't put in the warning that I was going to give away the end of this movie, and you know why I didn't? Because unless you are some stupid pink wearing chihuahua carrying MORON, you have no business watching this movie. Unless of course you've got your mouth around the barrel of a gun and are just looking for one more reason to end it all.
In order to do this movie review I have to admit something I'd rather not. Okay, I sort of like those romantic comedies. In fact I have a favorite... or two. One of my favorite movies is Forces of Nature with (cough) Sandra Bullock and Ben Affleck.
What? Fuck you. Look, I know it's a stupid girlie movie, but it's also great. Here's the premise of the movie:
Ben (whose character ironically is named Ben as well, stooo-pid) is engaged to a lovely modern girl raised in the south played by Maura Tierney (that pretty girl who was on News Radio and is now on ER). Why she doesn't have even a trace of an accent (while the rest of her family does) we'll never know. There's a very short but sweet intro in the beginning where you get to see them to talking about their impending nuptials and what it will be like to be married. Directly after this scene Maura heads down to her family's plantation while Ben, finishing up business, follows closely behind.
On the way anything and everything that can possibly go wrong does. Planes crash, cars break down, he meets the crazy but lovable while being sexy Sandra B., falls half in love with her, meets numerous divorced/cheating couples, and stands on top of a train screaming and beating his chest.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that along the way everything under heaven tries to prevent him from making it to his wedding on time, and in the middle of it all he learns to loosen up. He also starts to think, maybe he doesn't want to get married after all.
Sandra B. has her own problems. The reasons she provides for needing to get cross country are constantly changing and all of her stories are contradictory. What you finally learn is that as a young teenager she made many mistakes that she is only now beginning to understand and trying to repair.
Meanwhile Maura is being seduced by her old high school/college sweetheart (who also has a southern accent), she's learned her parent's are divorcing, and she's beginning to question the wedding as well.
So why do I love this movie? Okay, here is where I spill the ending, because Ben DOES make it to the wedding. And when he does, in the middle of a hurricane with leaves and wedding decorations spinning everywhere, the moment that he sees Maura in her wedding dress everything goes silent. The wind keeps going, people keep running in the background, their hair is blowing around, but you can see that the only two people that exist in that moment is Maura and Ben.
You see, that is love. Understanding that other things get in the way but nothing changes your feelings for one another. It's easy to get distracted by shiny objects, but it's not necessarily better. And Sandra? Sandra needed to find herself, that's where she belonged, not with Ben. And the movie stayed true to that. Which is why I love it and have for years.
So why do I bring all of this up? Because last night I watched this:
The Family Stone
First off, Claire Danes.
Remember when Claire Danes was the 'it' girl? Now we have Scarlett Johanssen and Katie Holmes. I'm sorry, I'm not impressed AT ALL with Scarlett's acting, and Katie Holmes? Not only does she look mousy she obviously has no fucking backbone. The comments her ex, Chris Klein, has made to the press are so fucking chauvinistic and repugnant I'm surprised no women's movement organization has put a hit out on him yet and Tom Cruise is just.
Just.
Fuck. I don't even need to say it.
But Claire Danes? She was angst, awkwardness, teenage acne and pretty in a gawky sort of way that made so many young women connect with her. Sure our hormones were raging, sure looking back she was a bit whiny and bitchy, but we were teenagers. I watched My So Called Life and I saw myself and every single one of my friends and Clare Danes, she was just awesomeness epitomized onscreen.
Second, Sarah Jessica Parker? Okay, who else is sick of her old haggard face paired with her, "Oh I'm just a little girl" voice and supposed to be coy tilt head down and eyes peek up look? God. I just want to fucking puke. She needs to get over herself.
Also, news flash Sarah, you're OLD. Geez.
Anyway, so Dermot Mulroney is dating New York Sarah and decides to take her home to his quirky uptight New England family, who think that they are so down to earth (although take a fucking look at their house. Down to earth my ass) and original that they almost automatically view themselves as too good for her.
What?
I'm sorry, I totally expected this to be the typical uptight NY'er thinks she's too good for the burbs scenario. But no, the opposite, this family is (although very close knit and nice in their own way) a complete bunch of stuck up assholes.
So of course Sarah goes all looney and brings her sister (Claire Danes) up for support while Dermot's whole family tries to talk him out of proposing. I'm sorry, but it's none of their fucking business to tell him who he can and cannot marry. Fuckers. Especially when although she might not fit in she obviously has good intentions.
Don't read the rest of this if you don't want to know the ending of the movie.
Okay, here's the part that completely pissed me the fuck off.
Luke Wilson (who is so hot that I would probably cheat on ANYONE with him, in a second, with no second thoughts or regrets) is Dermot's brother and he keeps hitting on Sara.
Dermot starts hitting on Claire almost as soon as she gets to town. By the way, the whole fucking family loves her.
Oh and what happens? You guessed it. Within 24 hours Sara gets with Luke and Dermot proposes to Claire.
What kind of fucked up family is this? Where in the fuck would this fly? AND I'M SORRY YOU DON'T FUCKING PROPOSE IN 24 HOURS.
This movie was such fucking bullshit that I almost snapped the rented DVD in half.
Which brings me to the last movie review which has to be brought up for similar bouts of stupidity.
The Wedding Date
Dude, Dermot, you were hot in My Best Friends Wedding, but the older and older you get the more and more I realize you have Avalanche Face.
Please go away and take your sliding face with you.
Also, Debra Messing, you need a tan. Or a bag to put over your face. You were never very pretty to begin with, and although I am glad that someone loves you in real life I believe that fate to be inevitable whereas whether or not I should have to view you in the media should be seen as something avoidable.
Your press shots? Lovely. It's called touch up and great lighting. Please, never ever do another movie where it is quite evident that whether a man has avalanche face or not he could quite obviously do better than you.
Ahem.
That said, the premise of this movie is so fucking stupid that I had to kill the friend that forced me to accompany her to see it. It was drivel, it was the shit of drivel. It was stupid and lame and repulsive and ON TOP OF IT, I had to see Debra Messing in a SKIRT (GAH WHITE SOFT LEGS) and endure closeups of Dermots face (please let me keep the dream of when he used to be hot).
Somebody should pay for my suffering.
So Debra's got to go to some stupid wedding and so she hires stupid Dermot who is the hottest paid whore in NYC to accompany her. But NOT, ahem, for sex. Merely for a date. I mean, c'mon people, would she really stoop that low?
So OF COURSE they have sex, and of course they fall in love, cue the completely predictable jokes and ending.
Here's my question, so now you're in love, with a hooker. And extremely well paid wealthy hooker. Who has made his living for over a decade as A HOOKER.
What do you tell your folks?
And what do you do when he runs out of money and can't get a new job because HE'S A HOOKER?!
Dumb fucking bitch.
Some of you are probably wondering why I didn't put in the warning that I was going to give away the end of this movie, and you know why I didn't? Because unless you are some stupid pink wearing chihuahua carrying MORON, you have no business watching this movie. Unless of course you've got your mouth around the barrel of a gun and are just looking for one more reason to end it all.
