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Wednesday, May 10, 2006 

Let's Talk About Sex Baby

Let's talk about you and me

So this morning I was reading Maxim over breakfast. Yes I eat breakfast while reading a man's magazine, what's wrong with that?

Also, I had a very compelling reason. There were three articles I wanted to check out, one on drift racing, one on the new X-Men movie, and the last being one on interviews with men who had dated nymphos.

Nymphos? Really?

I thought that this would be an interesting read, and then I started reading it. So here's my question, what do you define as a nympho? Really I'm very curious because one man stated that he often had sex three to four times in a session every other day with his girlfriend. That didn't seem excessive to me. Okay, I know three to four times every other day might be a bit high, but I would just label it as healthy. I mean, it's not every day!

Also, when I think of nymphos I think of CRAZY sex! I mean, they have to have it, every friggin day, and if they don't get out they go and tag team strangers. I'm thinking 6-7 times a day. Anyway, that's my definition.

Then one guy said that he often has sex with his wife about eight times a week but (because they have an open mairrage) he's sure that she has it about twelve times a week. Twelve? That's the best a NYMPHO could come up with?

So then I started to get worried, am I a nympho?

I don't think this is possible. There's no way in hell, right? I mean, I'm not particularly freaky in bed, sure I masturbate but not daily, and okay, I have more than a passing interest in porn flicks. But it has to be a GOOD porn flick, no HIV looking slutty bitches with acne on their butts. Heh. TMI? Yeah, sorry. But really, that shit is gross. Why in the fuck are these girls in videos instead of whoring themselves out on the street corner where they belong.

Wait. Off topic.

Back to the nympho question, so you're probably wondering why I would even question this. Well, I was with my first boyfriend for three years, when I say that we had sex one time a week over that entire time I am LYING. Once it was only two times in one month.


He would be changing and I would just stare at him thinking, maybe he'll accidentally get naked and need to take a nap. In fact, I vividly remember watching him in his long legged hanes (those are so fucking sexy on lean men with powerful thighs) sitting on the edge of the bed and just HOPING.

G (sigh)

Then there was the next boyfriend that spoiled me ROTTEN. Three times a day during the week and 7-10 times daily on the weekends. Well, that was towards the end of the relationship, in the beginning the numbers were much higher.

But I loved it!

Especially sex in the middle of the night and then in the morning. It's so lazy and groggy and soft. Morning sex is comfortable the way your favorite sweatshirt is so nice and fuzzy on the inside. Not the best new flashy thing on the block but you'd kill to keep it.

Later BF#2 said that he was often that way with sex in the beginning, but it tended to drift down to normal numbers as time wore on, however it never did seem to work out quite that way with us. Even when we were fighting our the sex remained good.

Then there was BF#3, now I tentatively brought up my libido with him. Frankly I was freaked out that he would drop me down to once a week. That I was sure would cause me to kill babies and drown kittens. He told me he averaged about 2-3 times a week.


But then he didn't. We generally had sex 4-5 times a week and so it worked out. I mean, I could've done with a higher number, but 4-5 times is okay. I mean, it's almost daily, and some nights I would really just like to go to sleep, or watch a movie. Okay. 4-5 times. I can deal! Sorta.

Towards the end he revealed that he had never had sex that frequently with a girlfriend before. Apparently when I had the 'libido' discussion with him he freaked the fuck out. "OH NO!!!" But then he discovered that he WANTED to have sex with me, so it was no biggie. I guess that's a compliment right? I'll have to admit, sex with BF#2 wasn't so bad. He was the first one that I didn't have to train, he came pre-programmed. The bad thing about BF#2? He came pre-programmed. Really, I enjoy a tailor fit, and breaking men. Drat, someone beat me to it.

BF#4 said that we were going to have to get into some pain if sex was going to be any fun.



Bitch that HURT! Asshole. He wanted to spank me, and not the fun kind of spank, I'm talking the kind of spank where it left a bruise.

Look, I'm not into that shit. Why don't you pull my hair and talk to me all dirty instead? Huh? Why don't we try turning me ON? That might be a GOOD thing, a way to help me O. Fucker.

Fine then, you have a pain fantasy, then let's talk about my fantasies. Boy he did NOT like the one involving a prostitute. How uptight is that? I thought it was kind of kinky sexy, in a "well we'll probably never do it..." way. I wasn't dragging him to Reno or anything, sheesh. Still, he got awfully quiet after the Fantasy/Libido discussion.

And you know, I tried, I really did, I said he could still spank me, just not so hard. In either case I later found out he was taking Viagra just to keep up with my supposed demands. We were having sex about ten times a week, but, yeah, I REALLY could have done with less. It's not like we were on the same page or anything. And besides that, I'm a hard O, and I'll be the first one to admit that. It takes a big bag of fucking tricks to get into bed with me, but mostly what it takes is patience. Beyond all that though the one thing I ALWAYS hear from my sex partners is that they have never been with someone who so obviously enjoys sex.

I love sex, bad sex, fast sex, expiremental (ha that was fun, let's work out the kinks though) sex. I mean, unless it's REALLY kinky, I'm pretty much on board.

I wasn't really into it with him though. He was unfuckingtrainable. I mean, HELLO!!! This might have worked with other girls but it's obviously not working with me, could we possibly try something else? Oh, no? Okay, why don't I just count the ceiling tiles instead and pretend to like this. I should have won an oscar for that one.

And DON'T believe what the movies say, most men are into pretty straight forward sex. They don't talk dirty, they don't pull your hair and call you a whore (although that might be nice), and although they're into public sex they're not really keen on OUTRAGEOUS public sex. Which neither am I, thank god.

So here's the thing, I would never in a million years classify myself as a nympho. I've gone nine months several times between sessions, I don't own any porn flicks and I don't (often) sleep with strange men. I'm always a bit on gaurd in the beginning of a relationship so sex is never really very good for me unless I care for the person.

Also, when I've been in relationships where our libidoes were badly matched I never once thought about going outside of the relationship.

Really, after reading this article I thought the guys were just a bunch of bragging wimps.

'Oh my girl likes it more than once every other day, NYMPHO!'

Puh-lease. What the fuck ever. It's a penis, why in the fuck COULDN'T you have sex with it every day? Huh? Give me one good reason.

Well, I guess the viagra guy could give me a couple reasons, but besides those.