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Tuesday, May 09, 2006 

Spiders Are Trying to Kill Me

It's Tuesday morning. Nine am. Fuck nine am. Fuck work. But hey, I need a paycheck right?

I'm sorting mail when one of the blonde social workers passes by. Her name is Marilyn, or maybe it's Katy. I don't know. All the blonde ones look alike.

Ok... Ok. Maybe ALL of the social workers look the same to me. I don't happen to be particularly fond of their "I'm better than you" attitudes.

"Hey, I see you have a spider bite there."

"What?" I look up from my computer screen to see Marilyn/Katy staring at me from over her coffee cup. Irritation passes over her face and she could still be either Marilyn or Katy. They're both bitchy.

"Spider. Bite." She gestures at my hand.

"Oh Yeah" I run my hand over my bumpy arm. "I'm covered in them. Fucking spiders are trying to kill me."

"What?" Carefully I go over the previous sentence in my head.

"Oh spiders. You know. They're trying to kill me." Fuck. I said fuck.

Slowly a crowd of fellow employees gather round me, all drinking coffee, all pissing me off with their apparent lack of work. Assholes get here after me, leave before me AND sit around chatting all fucking day.

"Explain this"

Ok. So here goes. Six pm I arrive home from work, go upstairs, change. In the bathroom I spy a black hairy ugly fucking spider. I hate spiders. I can't even kill them I'm so afraid of them. Warily eyeing the spider I change quickly and exit the bathroom.

Downstairs I fix dinner and settle in on the couch. Suddenly I spy the spider slipping stealthily down the wall near the stair case. What the fuck? Fuck it. I'm done with dinner anyway. Putting space between the spider and I, I move to the dining room to play on the computer for a bit. Glancing towards the living room I spy the spider... now above the couch. I was just sitting there! Asshole spider. I grab Tommy my fearless feline and launch him at the wall. He could care less. Fucking worthless hairball that he is. Whatever. Time for a shower anyway. Up the stairs I head.

Thirty minutes later I exit the shower to see... the SAME FUCKING SPIDER ON MY BATHROOM WALL!

Now... I'll admit. I jumped... and maybe, just maybe, screamed. At any rate, I quickly exit the bathroom, shut the door and head off to bed. Ha, I think smugly, stupid spidey is trapped now isn't he? But of course, the very next morning I wake covered in bites.

Sadistic bastard.

"Wait" interrupts one of the stupid social workers that I barely manage to tolerate, "how does that prove that the spider was trying to kill you?"

God these people are stupid.

"It tracked me, just like predators track it's prey. In fact, if you don't kill a spider, which I never can do considering my unnatural fear, they will always track you. Blood thirsty monsters that they are, they enjoy the hunt."

Brunette Social Worker shakes her head. "Terra. You are so silly. It's just a bite."

"Oh really BSW? Well then, tell me how Spiders get their food? Huh? I'll tell you how they get their food. They track them, bight them, then stun them with their poison until the prey is paralyzed, and then they wrap them up in their web and eat them. That's how. So what do you think a spider is doing when it bites your ass several times? It's trying to EAT YOU!"

I swear to god, it's like they never saw the discovery channel or used common sense once in their fucking lives.