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Tuesday, October 25, 2005 

The Food Post (or, oh shit, this might just make you hungry)

I like doing the "or" thing in my titles. I also like to talk a lot... so it sorta kills two birds with one stone.

So food, we're having a diversity potluck at work and I'm expected to bring something, or (and get this) donate eight bucks.

EIGHT FUCKING DOLLARS! Goddamn extortionists. Why I outta.... buy them something nice and happy.

Dear IT people, I love you. Please never ever ever fire me.

Ok. So what to bring? I am like one mad awesome cook!

Who hates to cook.

I f'n HATE cooking! It totally takes forever. Plus. I'm not too much into eating. Why waste all that time when you could just grab a piece of bread out of the cupboard, get some water and soda and be totally set? Yeah. I don't cook.

So what superb awesome fabulous Puerto Rican food to bring?

Arroz Dulce Leche? This is different from it's Mexican sweet rice counterpart. First off, ours is like a sticky rice block, where the Mexican version is a soupy milk mixture. Second, Mexicans put cinnamon in theirs. We don't. Fuck Cinnamon. We're Island people. We use coconut milk and shavings to season ours. Yeah. I HATE coconut flavored anything. YUCK! So, no Puerto Rican sweet rice for anyone. Plus. It takes a really long time to make.

Arroz con Pollo? Also different from Mexican rice. First off, ours actually tastes good, instead of red flavorless rice. Yeah, that was pissy and I don't give a fuck! People need to learn how to saute rice and carmelize ingredients if they want me to eat their crap. Second, we put capers, green olives and gandude beans in ours. Don't ask me what gandude beans are. They LOOK like string beans... but they're not. Mmm. Arroz con Pollo. Yum.

Empanadas? Mmm. Empanadas. I make bomb empanadas. And then I fry the outside. I know, I know, it's sooo bad for you! But it tastes sooo good! There are two main empanadas I make (and by the way, these are ALL my mothers recipes so... I'm not that GOOD of a cook, just a glory hound) Empanada version one, ground beef filling with occasional variation of black olives. Second version (otherwise known as best version) filling is spinach, cream cheese and mushrooms. Yumm. I don't think this is Puerto Rican though... so NEXT

Pasteles. YUM! PR version of Tamales. YUMMY! Oh, you don't what pasteles are? K. Instead of corn masa with a meat filling it's a masa made out of platinos (starchy version of a banana, not sweet), and the filling is meat, corn, olives, yada yada yada. Also, no red sauce is added. When you open pasteles up there is just oil oil oil everywhere. And, yeah, the masa's kinda flavorless, so you have to cut it up and mix it with the filling. Bad cooks only put in a little filling. Skimpy motherfuckers. I hate them. But my aunts make them all meaty and good. mmm. pasteles.

Hmm. My mom is telling me, "No way. You better not bring pasteles. People hate those things!"

"What? Hell no mom! They're good! Plus I don't have to make them, just buy them off a vendor downtown."

"Nah, better stick with something else. More americanized."

"Fuck no. HAH! I should bring that fruit salad that Ana made!"

Fucking Ana.

Last family reunion we're standing in the food line, everyone's talking about how white and unfamiliar with Puerto Rican culture I am, they're saying, "We'll make a Bourica out of you yet!" Whatever. Why do all the fat chicks call themselves bourica? Total self delusion man, they are just plain gorda gorda gorda.

Man. I won't even give them gordita, since they're all grown up now it's time to face the facts. Fat is fat chica.

Anway, Ana says to me, "Girl. I make the best fruit salad ever! You have to try it! Carmen! Carmen! Have you tried my fruit salad? I was just telling Terra.."

And then she ran off to make sure everyone knew that that fruit salad was hers and we all better eat it and love it.

So I put some on my plate and sit down, grab a forkful, bring it to my mouth when... I smell the most FOUL FUCKING SMELL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH!!

But vaguely familiar.

What the fuck is this shit? I put the fork down, stare at the salad suspiciously, and begin to wonder how I can dump this in the garbage without Ana's food radar going off. Seriously. How can someone fuck up fruit salad and WTF is that smell?


"What?" My aunt has spied me plotting to kill the salad.

"It's bacalou" (pronounced Baw-caw-l-ow).


She put motherfuckin SALTED CODFISH in a salad!?!? Jesus fuckin christ man. YUCK! Puerto Rican's eat a lot of bacalou, and I'm here to say it's disgusting.

Ha. I should totally bring that to the potluck. Teach those people to try and make me pay eight bucks.

But, I think I'll just go with plantains instead.

MMM. Plantains. I haven't had those in YEARS! Plantains are ripe platinoes, seasoned, grated, and fried up in oil into little pancakes. Kind of like hashbrown pancakes. MMMM. Plantains.

What was I sayin about not liking food?