« Home | Spiders Are Trying To Kill Me » | Ad Campaign Manager Get's "Raise" » | I Internet Hate You if... » | It's Sunday... And I'm Fucking Tired » | Ding Dong The Witch Is DEAD » | In The Light Of Day » | I Internet Love You if... » | Tomorrow Bitch » | Oh Ty » | Why Won't He Pee All Over Roomies Clothes? » 

Wednesday, April 27, 2005 

Reincarnation Is Cool

In my next life I want to be a snake.


I want to be born into captivity… at a zoo.

If I’m not born at the zoo I will do whatever it takes to get to one. I will slither through forests, across highways, under bridges and over rivers. One day a zoo keeper will look down… and I will be there.

“Hi Zoo Keeper” I will slither.

“What the fuck?” Understandably the zoo keeper will be pissed that once again his zoo assistant has slipped him acid. Fuckin bitter assistants.

“I’d like to live in your zoo. I love children. I love people. Once upon a time I was a beautiful girl, but I led an obnoxious life where I tended to say the word ‘fuck’ a lot. Now I am a snake, paying for my crimes. Please, let me be with the people again.”

The zoo keeper will kick at me, “Go away you stupid fucking snake.”

“If you don’t let me in I will tell your wife that you have been fucking the sheep again.”

Zoo Keeper will look around nervously. “Shit.”

And I will live in the zoo, just as I always dreamed of. They will feed me regular meals and I will grow fat with contentment. But I will also be a much different snake than any other snake in the zoo. Not because I talk, after Zoo Keeper I will talk no more, but because I will be so amazingly cuddly.

Who ever heard of a cuddly snake?

I will be a vegetarian, refusing to eat the mice and I will rub up against my handlers like a cat.

“Oooh” they will ahh. Who ever saw such a nice snake?

Eventually they will start using me in shows. Trainers will comment to each other, “use that snake. Yeah that one. Nicest fucking snake you’ll ever meet.”

Eventually the trainers, noting how much I love people, will start sending me on travelling shows to neighborhood schools. At the schools I will stare at the children… radiating my love. Noticing this my handlers will allow the children to gather round, petting me.

And that, my friends, is when I attack.



Maybe you can get on TV or in the movies!!!!

Yeah, forget Bart the Bear. You could be a regular Count of Monte Cristo. Lull them and slip past their defenses. Make sure you grow really fat while in the zoo. Fat enough . . . to swallow a pissy little kid who throws shit at you while wiping his nose on a stranger's sleeve and yelling that the fucking snake isn't DOING anything. . .

I think I love you

MISHKA- I THOUGHT I LOST YOU IN THE MOVE! Now I only need to find Dane....

Badpatty- Hmm. Good idea. The trick is to make sure that I do the most amount of damage in the shortest amount of time. I'm pretty sure they're taking me down after I start attacking children.

Mel- But do you internet love me?

hehe. that's lovely. ah, you cute snake you.

Nope, I am here, was on a trip and didn't get to blog much...I updated my link to you on my blog...didn't know if you were going to stay with this one or not but either way...good to see you again.


i think that's the best story ever. it was so sweet and entertaining.. i especially like the part at the end where you attack! HA HA BITCHES!

(ps.. i love your cheshire kitty!!)

Blog Ho- Oh I am the cutest evilest snake in the whole garden.

Mishka- Good to see you again. Thanks for the update... unofficially I've decided to keep this blog and retire the old one.

Cat- Wow. A visit to my site! Thanks!

Post a Comment