« Home | Ad Campaign Manager Get's "Raise" » | I Internet Hate You if... » | It's Sunday... And I'm Fucking Tired » | Ding Dong The Witch Is DEAD » | In The Light Of Day » | I Internet Love You if... » | Tomorrow Bitch » | Oh Ty » | Why Won't He Pee All Over Roomies Clothes? » | Nostalgia » 

Tuesday, April 26, 2005 

Spiders Are Trying To Kill Me

It's Tuesday morning. Nine am. Fuck nine am. Fuck work. But hey, I need a paycheck right?

I'm sorting mail when one of the blonde social workers passes by. Her name is Marilyn, or maybe it's Katy. I don't know. All the blonde ones look alike.

Ok... Ok. Maybe ALL of the social workers look the same to me. I don't happen to be particularly fond of their "I'm better than you" attitudes.

"Hey, I see you have a spider bite there."

"What?" I look up from my computer screen to see Marilyn/Katy staring at me from over her coffee cup. Irritation passes over her face and she could still be either Marilyn or Katy. They're both bitchy.

"Spider. Bite." She gestures at my hand.

"Oh Yeah" I run my hand over my bumpy arm. "I'm covered in them. Fucking spiders are trying to kill me."

"What?" Carefully I go over the previous sentence in my head.

"Oh spiders. You know. They're trying to kill me." Fuck. I said fuck.

Slowly a crowd of fellow employees gather round me, all drinking coffee, all pissing me off with their apparent lack of work. Assholes get here after me, leave before me AND sit around chatting all fucking day.

"Explain this"

Ok. So here goes. Six pm I arrive home from work, go upstairs, change. In the bathroom I spy a black hairy ugly fucking spider. I hate spiders. I can't even kill them I'm so afraid of them. Warily eyeing the spider I change quickly and exit the bathroom.

Downstairs I fix dinner and settle in on the couch. Suddenly I spy the spider slipping stealthily down the wall near the stair case. What the fuck? Fuck it. I'm done with dinner anyway. Putting space between the spider and I, I move to the dining room to play on the computer for a bit. Glancing towards the living room I spy the spider... now above the couch. I was just sitting there! Asshole spider. I grab Tommy my fearless feline and launch him at the wall. He could care less. Fucking worthless hairball that he is. Whatever. Time for a shower anyway. Up the stairs I head.

Thirty minutes later I exit the shower to see... the SAME FUCKING SPIDER ON MY BATHROOM WALL!

Now... I'll admit. I jumped... and maybe, just maybe, screamed. At any rate, I quickly exit the bathroom, shut the door and head off to bed. Ha, I think smugly, stupid spidey is trapped now isn't he? But of course, the very next morning I wake covered in bites.

Sadistic bastard.

"Wait" interrupts one of the stupid social workers that I barely manage to tolerate, "how does that prove that the spider was trying to kill you?"

God these people are stupid.

"It tracked me, just like predators track it's prey. In fact, if you don't kill a spider, which I never can do considering my unnatural fear, they will always track you. Blood thirsty monsters that they are, they enjoy the hunt."

Brunette Social Worker shakes her head. "Terra. You are so silly. It's just a bite."

"Oh really BSW? Well then, tell me how Spiders get their food? Huh? I'll tell you how they get their food. They track them, bight them, then stun them with their poison until the prey is paralyzed, and then they wrap them up in their web and eat them. That's how. So what do you think a spider is doing when it bites your ass several times? It's trying to EAT YOU!"

I swear to god, it's like they never saw the discovery channel or used common sense once in their fucking lives.


Don't play in their webs. They'll get you every time.

again very nice.

and i'm worth poems, yo. i write words for you and the girl who got here to comment before me on the regs, yo.

i hate spiders, too.

rat bastards.

and steve won't kill them for me. jerk.

Ok, I admit - *that* spider was a minion of Satan...

hey, do you mind if i add you to my sidebar?

because i already did.


Dear Pink and Bitchy,

Still love you. I hate to tell you, though, that there are probably a myriad of black, sadistic, bloodthirsty spiders in your place. They communicate and coordinate their movements. One spider would never bother with biting you in your sleep: you're not threatening, and he knows he can't kill and eat you. But a whole swarm of spiders would easily think that you're just a pink and bitchy buffet line. . .

I wrote a response earlier, and then fucking Blogger went AWOL on me. Bitch. Ugg, so here we go again:

CL: But they're so light and soft.. I love how they feel on my face

Ty: Of course your worth our poems, or we wouldn't bother writing any for you. Instead we would contact Blogger and find out how to block you url. Thanks for the words, if recognition is existence than I wouldn't exist w/out u.

Grrr: Heh. Grrr. Anway. Steve won't kill them?! Bastard! Do what I do, suck them up in the vacuum. I also leave the vacuum running for a while afterwards... to make sure they don't crawl out. PS: You have been added to my links as well!

Ian: ALL spiders are minion of Satan... perhaps ants too. I'm looking into it.

BadPatty: Ok. That seriously freaked me out. Almost as bad as the fact that there is at least ONE spider for EVERY three feet. FUCK!!!!

i hate spiders, bees, ants, any and all bugs. just buy a big can of Raid and coat those fuckers until they shrivel up into a ball.

Holy shit: an idea! Find out where the old roomie wound up. Sweet talk some country boy into rounding up about 30 of the things and lob them through her window.

I am SOOOO glad that you posted this! Nobody ever believes me when I tell them that spiders can smell my fear and come after me!! I once had one jump off a wall right towards my face!


Call me next time there is a spider in your house. I'll send Brother. He'll kill it for you, he is good at it, even flushes them down the toilet for you!

Time to set off some spider foggers and leave the place for half a day. Bye Bye spiders.

Ick -- I hate spiders! I can't believe I actually saw the movie 'Arachnaphobia' at the theater back in the day. I hate scary movies! Sometimes when I'm sleeping I wake up and sit bolt upright because I'll be dreaming that a spider is hovering right over my face, hanging from a thin web stuck to the ceiling. That's happened many times.

And I really hate those spiders that are all jittery -- that move in a jerky fashion (are they called wolf spiders?). They also have little pinchers or feelers or something on the front of 'em that taunt you. I used to catch spiders with a glass and then slide something under it and throw them outside because squishing their nasty little bodies freaks me out. Once I tried to empty a glass into a toilet and the fucker JUMPED BACK OUT! Lucky for me, my husband does kill spiders . . . and if he's not around, I use one of his size 13 boots to eradicate it from the face of the Earth.

Man, that was a long inaugural post on your board! Guess you struck a nerve.

Post a Comment
I Can't Help You Now - Look, I have two songs on my hard drive that don't have the name 'iTunes' tatooed to their asses, so suck it
Powered by Castpost
Powered by Blogger
and Blogger Templates