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Thursday, June 01, 2006 

When I Am Big And Important

I will have my own personal assistant. And I will name her whatever I wish. Since my power will be supreme I will name her Miss Spankybottom. Of course I will force all of my associates to refer to her as such. At all times. Or they can get the fuck out of my office. I will say in a low sinister voice, "Be downtown, be different."

And they will blanche in fear. Then I will kick them in the ass and they will fall headfirst into the door. Of course I will make them pay for whatever damage occurs because of their big fat heads. My doors will be nice... they will stay that way.

I will send Miss Spankybottom on all my important errands that I don't have time for. Like revenge. There are a lot of revenge plans that I don't have time to execute. Once I am big and important this list will get even longer and more people will need to feel the full power of my wrath. I imagine my day will go something like this:

"Miss Spankybottom! Did you go fuck Mr. Henderson's wife for me?"

"Yes Ma'am. I most surely did."

"Good, and did you take pictures and mail them to his work?"

"Actually I streamlined it to web and sent everyone the video."

"Sweet! You're the best!" (at this point I will pat her ass affectionately)

"Good, and that asshole that said he would call and never did?"

"I peed on the dead flowers we sent right before I killed his cat and stuck it under his front tire in the driveway."

Also, I will probably have her walk my dog, stuff like that.