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Thursday, June 09, 2005 

Where Have All The Good Men Gone And Where Are All The Gods. Where's The Street Wise Hercules To Fight The Rising Odds

My friend J can be long winded. That's ok. I forgive him. I'm long winded too.

Due to both of our tendencies to be chatty conversations tend to go on for hours. And hours. Fuck. Sometimes I get really sick of J. But he knows too much about me now and so I'm stuck with the asshole for life. LIFE!

Seriously. We're making plans to torture each other in the rest home. I'm almost positive that J hates me as much as I hate him. One of these days I'm going to push him down some stairs and never look back. I also plan to be running pretty fast so looking back could lose me some precious ground.

Last week I called J up for dating advice and was suddenly informed that I have NO game. NONE! According to him I am a complete flop and failure at this whole dating fiasco. Well shit.

J used to date me. He's probably right. FUCK!

Then he tried to let me off the hook. He pointed out I've had my head in a school book for the last couple of years. I've been overworked and sleep deprived for years and before that I was in a relationship. While other girls were out there dating I was at home studying for exams and now I'm 25. I'm going to be 26 in three short months and this shit is NOT what it was like in High School.

And by the way. The men suck. Dude, just cuz you're almost thirty does NOT mean your standard uniform should be khakis and henleys. For crying out loud man, you're not dead!

This, J pointed out, was the wrong attitude. Also approaching men and announcing the fact that they're wearing a pink shirt is also, apparently, wrong. Damn. Where's everyone sense of humor? I'm sorry, but if you wear a pink shirt then you should expect to get some shit talked to you.

So, I don't know. Apparently I can't be a smart ass right away because I'm "intimidating" but I don't know how to flirt right away because I'm scared of being labeled a "slut". Plus, almost all of the guys who approach me I later find out are Married! Damn.

I'm scared to take a step forward or a step back and I am left standing meekly with my hands in my lap and my mouth tied shut and I just end up boring boring boring times infinity.

How do I pretend to be stupid when the thought of dumbing down makes me violent? How do I pretend to be meek so my violent humor doesn't scare and how do I pretend to laugh at another's jokes when I am busting at the seams because GODDAMMIT I AM FUNNIER! Shit. I swear all the time. Special thanks to all my mechanic guy friends. You know I love you, but FUCK.

Plus I hate this superficial shit, "Hey baby nice ass". Fuck off asshole before I beat you off with my tire iron.

Again, according to J, wrong attitude. As he so succinctly put it, "Terra. Guys don't walk up and say, 'hey you're ugly. I like your personality'. No Terra. They like your ass. Also they are obviously desperate enough to think you're pretty."

Thanks J.

So apparently I am a moron. J laughs everytime a guy approaches me. They compliment me, he sees me freeze and starts shaking his head. J likes to say I only like assholes that talk shit because that's the only way to get anywhere with me. And it's true. J always talks shit to me and I'm probably never going to get rid of the fucking bastard.

Unless I can get him to step into this bucket of cement.

Anyway, I promised O and J that I would now embark upon the great adventures of dating. Uggg. I guess a two year sabbatical is enough. Right? Right?

Oh god help me what have I done?