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Thursday, June 02, 2005 

You Had Me at Secret

The mom spent all night yelling at the daughter while the daughter sat on the bed planning her revenge. Finally at 10:30 she told the mom it was time to go to bed. Turn off the computer, get out of my room, go to BED! The mom yelled like a petulant child, “Fine! I’m getting off.” Daughter #2, aka, the sister, sat on the floor watching the scene unfold with amusement. Glancing down the mom noticed the sister and yelled at her for reasons unknown. The daughter laughed, her laughing smirk, from the bed and so the sister got up and turned the TV off. Now who’s laughing? The daughter and sisters crossed their arms and glared at each other while the mother pretended to be oblivious to the argument she was creating.

During the standoff the daddy walked in and told a joke. The sister looked up but the daughter continued to glare, Oh look, dad thinks he’s funny. Wait. Everyone laugh. Ha ha. This was said woodenly and the dad blinked in surprise. I am funny.

Sure dad sure.

The mother rolled her eyes. Cut it out. Go to bed. She had regained her role at last and took no small satisfaction from that.

Lights turned off.

Blink blink blink.

Beds creaked and moaned under the weight of their occupants and while the females slept peacefully the daddy plotted his revenge.


Random stupid fact about me:

*I like to stab people.


So on the way to work today this guy in a stupid Hyundai cut me off. FUCKING PRICK! And all of a sudden I think I turned into a bigoted racist. It was really weird. Like if he had been Irish I would have been yelling, “Hey you stupid fucking leprechaun you’re supposed to be in Ireland drinking in the Dole line, NOT ON THE ROAD!” Or if he had been Canadian I would have yelled, “Hey FUCK HEAD, do you understand that or do I need to get a french translator YOU ASSHOLE?”.

Eh. I think I have anger issues cuz when I’m pissed I pull every single offensive phrase I’ve ever heard out of my memory then make sure I spice it up. I’m creative like that. I should be a slogan writer. Buy my product or die, cunt!

Anyway, my point is, Hyundai?!

What the fuck is this shit of people buying loaded Hyundais and then driving around like they’re ballers? You ain’t shit, you ain’t GOT shit, and you’re never gonna be THE shit, so just get the fuck over it already! Sheesh! You think we can’t see the little AI on the back of your pseudo luxury vehicle? You think we don’t KNOW that the POS depreciated ten grand the moment you drove it off the lot? Fuck. That thing probably cost you twenty fully loaded so don’t be looking at me like you don’t got the time for peons. News flash, YOU are the peon.

Sometimes I just want to get a brush bar for the front of my car so I can tap the corners of stupid motherfuckers and watch them spin off into the distance.


Secret Single Behavior

*Using different accents I talk out loud and create made up conversations between people that only exist in my head. The worst part is I laugh at their jokes.


I think my mother has some dastardly plan to turn me into a spinster so that my life will revolve around her. It’s true.

At my graduation party she announced to everyone that she was fine with the fact that I am single and don’t date, and it was OK with her if I NEVER got married, because, you know, some women DON’T, and that’s just fine by her!

My friend J almost spit his drink everywhere trying not to laugh.

Every guy who looks at me twice she announces is most likely insane, so, you know, a complete waste of my time. But, hey Terra, if you like stupid men go ahead and date him. It’s just, I, being your mother and better and smarter than you, would never give that potentially gay man the time of day.

I am also, according to her, way too immature to be married. And in fact, as she has been telling me for the last TWO years now, I am actually too immature to even be dating. Just take time for yourself TERRA! Why do you have to be in such a rush?

Um. I’ve been single for two years and I’m 25, what exactly am I rushing at? If I go any slower I’d be a tree. WTF is she talking about?

Plus, she constantly tells me what I stand to inherit in the event that her, my father and sister all die. At the same time. Because, I suppose that is such a likely event, and then starts yelling at me saying that my husband would steal all my money and that I better have a prenup when I get married.

So, number one, my husband, whom I haven’t even met yet, is apparently a low life bastard who is only married to me just in case all my family members suddenly die so that he can steal my money? Thanks mom. Really. Just thanks.

Maybe she secretly thinks I’m a lesbian and she’s trying to tell me that she’s okay with that?


Secretly sexy secret

* Psst. That boy over there, yeah the one with the glasses acting all shy and quiet. He likes to pull hair and talk dirty.