Chronicles of Madness

In relationships, any relationship I suppose. You give parts of yourself away. You say, here is this part of me. Look how shiny and beautiful and special and unique it is. You look at the person you have given this gift and you seek approval. Appreciation. But often you are met with blank stares. And even if you're not, if the day comes when you cease being an 'us' and instead become separate identities you will often wander the rooms of your soul and say, look at all I've lost.

How untrue.

My insides are cluttered with all the things I gave away that are once more mine. Here is my naivete, my smiles, my inside jokes. Here is that silly song I used to sing just for him and the outfit I didn't really like but bought because it made him whistle. Here are my dreams and my expectations and everything, oh every single thing I gave away, given back to me. They're lumped in the middle of the rooms and the walls are laid bare with all the things he gave me taken back.

And this isn't supposed to hurt like this I am sure. This is supposed to smart and then I'm supposed to shake myself off and start over again with someone new, someone better, and one day I will look back and shake my beautiful hair and smile my beautiful smile and I will say, 'Oh him? He was just someone I spent time with. He was fun', and there will be none of this. None of this this this this.

He came back you know. Sitting on my front step with big wide eyes and a confused heart. There's nothing that hurts a heart that is sure of their love than looking at one who is not. Not sure. Open door. Close door. I put on makeup and I practice my smile. I think I will get my hair cut soon.