Chronicles of Madness

that last night I spent thirty minutes trying to remember what day it was and then finally gave up. This morning I was sure all my clocks were wrong, by hours not minutes, and so I stared out the window trying to figure out what time it was by how bright it was.

 

Part of the reason the Irishman and I decided to move in now is that the new job doubles to triples my commute. We already live an hour and a half away from each other. In busy months we'll often go two weeks without seeing each other. And on top of my new job he's started a new project that has him working seven days a week.  I looked at our schedules and cried. The weekend I was in New York and my return flights got delayed, causing me to miss out on our Sunday visit and not see him until the following Saturday, I sat in the airport and cried. Er... wait, thought about crying. But instead stabbed an innocent passerby. Twice. While they were on their way to join the peace corp.

 

I haven't had a conversation longer than five minutes with the Irishman in a week, thanks to our new schedules, and last night I had nightmare after nightmare. I dreamt that he ran over a kid and then ran up to talk to the father about himself... after I made him get out of the car instead of just driving away. Then I dreamt that I met someone who had more time for me and so I pushed the Irishman into a pool, stuck my foot on his head to keep him underwater, and then right before I let him up for air I realized I regretted it. But I also didn't. And so, while he was still underwater, I had a discussion with my friends, do I really want this?

 

This morning on the way to work I looked at a little girl riding in the backseat of her mommy's car (the Irishman's been freaked out about children for some reason, and I always tell him SHEESH! WE DON'T EVEN LIVE TOGETHER. Cut it out!), and I felt this gut panic reaction.

 

I don't want children! Not yet! Oh I'm too young, I have my whole life ahead of me! ME ME ME!

 

Which is ridiculous. We're just moving in together. Oh god. Small panic attack.