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Monday, June 19, 2006 

Puppy Training 101

So, you got a new puppy? You’re probably excited. You’re probably overjoyed. You’ve probably already dragged him down to the local pet store so you could, supposedly, buy him his treats, bedding, leash and all that other crap you’re gonna need.

Don’t worry, we’re cool. We both know you dragged him down there so everyone could see what a cute puppy he was, and tell you, and pet him, and go on and on about their own stupid dog so you could tell stupid puppy stories right back.

Face it. You got a puppy because you’re a lonely pathetic loser.

But all that, way too honest observational info aside, now that you have this puppy, what are you going to do? You’ve probably bought him a little clicker, some bitter apple spray, invested in a “Puppies for Dummies” book, and now think that he is going to enter and conquer any and all agility contests.

That’s your puppy. He’s smart. He’s a frisbee genius in the making.

God. You are so fucking retarded. Your dog is NONE of these things. He is an eating, pooping, chewing machine, hell bent on making your life a disaster because he thinks, no, is POSITIVE, that when you leave the house in the morning you spend all day PLAYING with other dogs.

By the time you get home, he is crazy with the need for revenge, maniacally obsessed with chewing up your shoes and shitting on your carpet.

He hates your guts. If you didn’t feed him he would rip your face off.

So how do you train this evil spawn of satan?

Oh, the books will tell you, “puppies learn through love and never through fear. If your puppy shits on your brand new leather jacket, it’s not because he’s an asshole, it’s because YOU’RE the asshole that didn’t let him out in time.”

If he’s barking the so-called experts advise, “Remove the objects that the dog barks at.” Yeah. Sure. Okay, I’m sure you’ll get right on that. Let me know when you’ve effectively blocked the mailman, your neighbors, and any passing strangers from walking within a two mile radius of your home.

So I’m here to give you the real advice. The advice that actually works. The rules, instructions, and mandates that you should always live by but never admit to.

When your dog shits on the carpet, make him eat it. Tie a big old apron on him and say, “Dinner’s served you ungrateful waste of good fucking money!” This is a really long sentence, and I appreciate the fact that many of you feel that dear old Fido might not understand so many long, complicated words strung together. However, for the most part, people completely underestimate the intelligence of their dogs. For all of you that feel you cannot punish your dog for shitting on the carpet because he doesn’t remember the incident, and therefore doesn’t understand the reason behind the punishment? Respectfully, * cough *, bullshit, * cough *.

That dog remembers where he left his toys, he knows the last place he saw his treats, he knows when you grab the leash he’s going for a walk and in the mornings you leave everyday to go play with other dogs. He is not some teenage high school dropout smoking pot all day. He does have a memory. If you say these words while kicking him, he will remember.

Stupid, fucking, pansy, kiss ass, PC bullshit, people. Stop buying into the whole, let’s all hold hands and pray for peace, propaganda! It’s stupid, and you’re stupid, for not growing a brain and harvesting an original opinion of your very own.

So, in summary, when your dog pees on the carpet, kick him.

When your dog jumps up on strangers, kick him.

If your dog keeps barking and kicking doesn’t work (which it won’t, I should know,) buy him one of those shocking collars. Serves him right.

When your dog starts humping you, kick him twice.

Unless you’re into it, in which case, don’t send me any email asking for advice or ‘sharing.’ I have enough problems, thank you very much.