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Friday, August 05, 2005 

The Half Ass Movie Review Returns:

So last night I watched Underworld with Kate Beckinsale, and first off, OMG she is SO hot in this movie! Really really hot. I started to wonder if I was a lesbo 15 minutes into it. Anyway, so some of you might be thinking, “WTF. Terra’s a goddamn bitch ass liar. She told us she never watches movies.”

And that would be true. I am a bitch ass liar. But I really don’t watch movies. I stole these from my friend’s house. I told him I would return them but instead I’m selling them for drugs as soon as I’m done. Not that I do drugs, I just sell them to the next door neighbor’s kids.

So back to the movie, here's the brief synopsis: The vampires and wherewolves are at war, and have been since anyone can remember. The vampires are on the brink of annihilating the wherewolves when Saline, a vampire warrior, discovers they have a stronghold, a human they're tracking, and new bullets to kill the vamps. But no one will believe her.

I never watched this because the critics said it sucked prison cock, which I found to be slightly disturbing. They complained about a lack of direction, too many stupid overdone lines, and of course Kate Beckinsale, aka Hottie, copycatting the chick from the matrix. Which, yeah, all that stuff is kinda true. If you really wanna be a dick about it. But…

Kate is so much hotter than the Matrix chick. And yeah, maybe the Vamps never fed off humans, but, that’s really not what the movie is about. The movie is about a WAR, you stupid fucking critics. If they threw in the war, plus vamps killing humans, and a good/bad vs human spin on it then the movie wouldn’t have had any kind of focus. Stupid fucking dumb ass complaining critics. Basically they wanted this movie to have a completely different script.

Although I do agree that the hottie, playing the human, from dawson’s creek should’ve had a lot more lines. And close ups. And naked shower scenes.

So end verdict, I loved the movie. I thought it had great plot twist, lots of action, betrayals, there was more than enough blood, and a couple of times I went all tense, “oh no! What’s gonna happen!” I fucking loved this movie. Nuff said.

"Don't touch my human love slave"

IRobot. Synopsis: The world now relies on robots for a large majority of their everyday domestic help. However Will Smith's character, Spooner, hates robots and is on the quest to find a bad one. Which is stupid because the robots are governed by three programming laws that prevent them from harming anyone human. When the scientist who invented the robots dies from an apparent suicide Spooner suspects a robot of murder and sets out to prove it.

Here’s the thing about this movie. It kept skipping and so I made up my own story about gay robot lovers and Will Smith being their videographer who gets pissed when the robots make a deal of their own and cut him out of the profits. So Spooner, man with the gayest name on the face of the universe, gets even by inventing a new robot that kills the fuck out of everyone. Hehe. Sorry I was laughing at a flashback of my made-up movie. It really was pretty good. Too bad you can never see it.

"Why you gotta do me like this robot? Why? All I ever wanted was to love you!"

Be Cool. So Chili, from Get Shorty, decides he's done with the movie business and now he'd like to try his hand at music. So he picks up a talented singer who's being chased by the russian mafia, and a record company being threatened by one of it's clients.

Halfway through this movie and goddamn Vince Vaughn cracks me the fuck up. He is so funny, and kinda cute. Mmm. Vince fantasy. Oh, and John Travolta fantasy too. Ok, here’s the thing about Chili, I seriously would marry this guy in real life. He is so drop dead sexy. And I’m not talking about his looks, I’m talking about how he just handles everything. Everything! Gun in his face? Chili lights a cigarette. C’mon, he’s smart enough to have counted the shots and realized that the stupid idiot is out of bullets. Bunch o thugs just walked up with glocks, ffft. What does he care? He’ll get you your money in three days. I like this movie most of all because it’s basically a mafia movie with a weird ass twist that has me laughing out loud. Oddly enough, I didn’t like Get Shorty. Go figure. Oh actually that’s the exact same complaint I have about this movie. Sometimes the plot is hard to follow. For years people have been trying to explain to me what Get Shorty was about. Their explanations mean crap to me, its like they’re speaking gibberish, which is kinda what the movie was. Which has led me to this one conclusion, people are such dumb fucks that Get Shorty, had NO plot and no ones ever figured it out because they were too dazzled by the hollywood names attached to the poster. Whatever, I’m going to have to watch it again to prove that it was stupid…. I may have been reading a book while watching it, which could’ve contributed to my confusion. And for all you people yelling at the screen that Get Shorty was great, even though you can’t explain why, I also hated Kingpin. Sorry but these are movies you can only enjoy if you’re a drug addict who has killed off a majority of your brain cells.

"Yo T, Hook a brother up! What I gotta do to get a lil sometin sometin?"

The Ice Princess. I don't care what this movie is about. I walked by this when my sis was watching it and if I could’ve picked up the 42 inch TV and thrown it through the window, I would’ve. That movie was fucking awful and I think the cameraman was drunk. You parents who have been put through the horror that is The Ice Princess will totally understand what I’m saying. It is full of the most god-awful close-ups that sway, and sway, and sway. For christ’s fucking sakes! They had enough money to hire Kim Catrall but not enough to get a goddamn tripod for the camera?! This shit was seriously on The Blair Witch Project scale of bad, awful, bullshit, camera angles. The director of this movie should be torn limb from limb and fed to Chihuahuas. Anyway, I only watched five minutes of it before I wanted to barf, so that’s as good of a review as you’re going to get.

"I like you. You're dumb."

Please complain below.