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Wednesday, July 27, 2005 

The Reality of Reality Television is that it's Fucking Stupid

If I were an Evil TV Producer I would put stupid crap on like, “So You Think You Can Dance” and “What’s Up My Bum” and call it TV.

I would run around town wearing a beret screaming, “where’s my Evian! I need my Evian”, which would be code for “bring me my vodka you bitch”. Everyone would look the other way because I’m a TV Producer and they would be afraid that the next thing up their bum would be my foot.

Also, since marriage is already such a sham, I would add to the hilarity by employing fake ministers and then catching up with the couples years later saying, “Surprise! You were never married!”. Drama would ensue. Some couples would be happy, “Ha, I never loved you cheating fat asshole!”. Some couples would be devastated, not because their children were illegitimate bastards, but because for years they’ve been filing as married and I have now seriously fucked them over with the IRS. Some people would try to punch the host, so I would hire Fred Durst as the host. Who doesn’t want to punch that guy?

Halfway through the season I would have an episode called, “you are a fucking idiot” where I would inform the viewers that they are fucking idiots and that my shows have stolen at least 30 IQ points, 15 of which were needed to change the station.