Seinfeld
I’m so fucking neurotic. No seriously seriously neurotic. I once killed a houseplant for revenge. It was an Aloe Vera plant and while watering it a big giant black spider leapt out at my face waving a knife demanding money for crack.
Ok, maybe he didn’t have a knife. Maybe it was a gun. What the fuck ever, all I know is that I stopped watering that goddamn plant right away.
I would walk past the yellowing plant and think, “Hah! Take that you motherfucker!” Plus the more I thought about it, who the fuck did that plant think it was anyway? Making me water it!
Fuck.
So yeah, I’m a bit neurotic. Let’s face it, I got into a power struggle with a PLANT! To say I’m independent and stubborn would be a bit of an understatement.
So lately my friends have been making fun of a lot of my quirks and I never realized until now how freakin weird I am!
1. I can only eat at two fast food restaurants.
2. I don’t drink coffee.
3. I have a horrible time going to the restroom anywhere but home.
4. I can’t sleep over at other people’s homes.
5. I REALLY REALLY have a tuff time using their bathrooms. Showers? Definitely out.
6. I can’t take baths. They freak me out.
7. I can’t swim in water I can’t see through. Freaks me out.
8. I won’t date or be friends with anyone named Bob.
9. I don’t like girls named Tara.
10. I can’t eat at other people’s houses.
11. I can’t take a drink from someone else’s cup.
12. If someone takes a drink from me I wait a polite ten minutes and offer them the remainder of my cup.
13. I can’t share silverware.
14. Meat occasionally makes me throw up.
15. Poultry makes me throw up 50 percent of the time.
16. I’m allergic to sugar.
17. I’m allergic to grass.
18. I’m allergic to milk.
19. I check my shoes and pillowcases for spiders.
20. Scary movies scare the SHIT out of me!
21. I can’t hide it when I hate someone and will usually tell them flat out.
22. I have a really hard time lying.
23. Regular conversations always remind me of songs and so I’ll burst out singing at them most random odd moments.
24. I’m a horrible flirt but terribly shy.
25. Lots of luggage/people in the car with me will cause me to flip out.
26. I can’t wear sneakers unless they’re solid white or solid black. Do you know how hard this is?
27. I can’t wear sweats. EVER.
28. I can’t go pee if I think you can hear. Fuck. GO AWAY!
29. I can’t learn anything new if people will be watching me. Which is why I haven’t been able to go skiing, snowboarding, skydiving, or surfing. I freak out with everyone looking at me.
30. I can’t drive with a new guy in the car. I think for the same reason as 29.
31. I flip out every time a guy asks me to be exclusive. One time I started hyperventilating.
32. If you point out any of the above, I will go to EXTREME lengths to avoid you, or the situation, ever happening again.
33. I hyperventilated during my driving test, every physical, and other odd events.
Now, reading this, you may think, “oh that’s not so bad”. But actually, it makes a lot of things hard. Every time I get invited to eat at a friends house I have to think of a million reasons why I can’t, or why there’s food left on my plate. Same as when I’m invited over. If, somehow, I’m roped into staying over, I have to figure out how to get out of there before I really really need a shower. First dates? Horrible. “Hey Terra, let’s go get some coffee.” I’ve tried saying yes to avoid the awkwardness but it just get’s horrible when I order water. I can’t drink anything at a coffee shop! Everything there makes me sick from caffeine and sugar. New boyfriends always want to teach me how to snowboard, how to ski. Yeah. I can’t. I will freak the fuck out if you are staring at me, fall down the mountain and break my goddamn neck. Seriously. I’ll die. “Oh ok. How about camping instead?” Umm. I’m allergic to grass and deathly afraid of spiders. Next. “Ok, why don’t we go away for the weekend instead?” Sure… but. How will I go to the bathroom if you’re always nearby in a small ass hotel room? Where will we eat because I refuse to eat at 70% of the restaurants out there? How long will we be gone? Will I be forced to take a shower somewhere else? EWW! Also, can we bring our own blankets because hotels only wash sheets, nothing else. Oh, and, how in the fuck am I supposed to get through two to three days without you noticing how fucked up I am? Shit, umm, I’m busy that weekend.
Fuck.
Ok, maybe he didn’t have a knife. Maybe it was a gun. What the fuck ever, all I know is that I stopped watering that goddamn plant right away.
I would walk past the yellowing plant and think, “Hah! Take that you motherfucker!” Plus the more I thought about it, who the fuck did that plant think it was anyway? Making me water it!
Fuck.
So yeah, I’m a bit neurotic. Let’s face it, I got into a power struggle with a PLANT! To say I’m independent and stubborn would be a bit of an understatement.
So lately my friends have been making fun of a lot of my quirks and I never realized until now how freakin weird I am!
1. I can only eat at two fast food restaurants.
2. I don’t drink coffee.
3. I have a horrible time going to the restroom anywhere but home.
4. I can’t sleep over at other people’s homes.
5. I REALLY REALLY have a tuff time using their bathrooms. Showers? Definitely out.
6. I can’t take baths. They freak me out.
7. I can’t swim in water I can’t see through. Freaks me out.
8. I won’t date or be friends with anyone named Bob.
9. I don’t like girls named Tara.
10. I can’t eat at other people’s houses.
11. I can’t take a drink from someone else’s cup.
12. If someone takes a drink from me I wait a polite ten minutes and offer them the remainder of my cup.
13. I can’t share silverware.
14. Meat occasionally makes me throw up.
15. Poultry makes me throw up 50 percent of the time.
16. I’m allergic to sugar.
17. I’m allergic to grass.
18. I’m allergic to milk.
19. I check my shoes and pillowcases for spiders.
20. Scary movies scare the SHIT out of me!
21. I can’t hide it when I hate someone and will usually tell them flat out.
22. I have a really hard time lying.
23. Regular conversations always remind me of songs and so I’ll burst out singing at them most random odd moments.
24. I’m a horrible flirt but terribly shy.
25. Lots of luggage/people in the car with me will cause me to flip out.
26. I can’t wear sneakers unless they’re solid white or solid black. Do you know how hard this is?
27. I can’t wear sweats. EVER.
28. I can’t go pee if I think you can hear. Fuck. GO AWAY!
29. I can’t learn anything new if people will be watching me. Which is why I haven’t been able to go skiing, snowboarding, skydiving, or surfing. I freak out with everyone looking at me.
30. I can’t drive with a new guy in the car. I think for the same reason as 29.
31. I flip out every time a guy asks me to be exclusive. One time I started hyperventilating.
32. If you point out any of the above, I will go to EXTREME lengths to avoid you, or the situation, ever happening again.
33. I hyperventilated during my driving test, every physical, and other odd events.
Now, reading this, you may think, “oh that’s not so bad”. But actually, it makes a lot of things hard. Every time I get invited to eat at a friends house I have to think of a million reasons why I can’t, or why there’s food left on my plate. Same as when I’m invited over. If, somehow, I’m roped into staying over, I have to figure out how to get out of there before I really really need a shower. First dates? Horrible. “Hey Terra, let’s go get some coffee.” I’ve tried saying yes to avoid the awkwardness but it just get’s horrible when I order water. I can’t drink anything at a coffee shop! Everything there makes me sick from caffeine and sugar. New boyfriends always want to teach me how to snowboard, how to ski. Yeah. I can’t. I will freak the fuck out if you are staring at me, fall down the mountain and break my goddamn neck. Seriously. I’ll die. “Oh ok. How about camping instead?” Umm. I’m allergic to grass and deathly afraid of spiders. Next. “Ok, why don’t we go away for the weekend instead?” Sure… but. How will I go to the bathroom if you’re always nearby in a small ass hotel room? Where will we eat because I refuse to eat at 70% of the restaurants out there? How long will we be gone? Will I be forced to take a shower somewhere else? EWW! Also, can we bring our own blankets because hotels only wash sheets, nothing else. Oh, and, how in the fuck am I supposed to get through two to three days without you noticing how fucked up I am? Shit, umm, I’m busy that weekend.
Fuck.
