« Home | Cansada » | Maternal Instinct » | » | Dreams are Like, Wierd Man » | Conversion » | Hey Cat... I See You Sharpening Your Claws, and I ... » | I Command Thee » | Verano, Italy... I See You » | Don't Mess Around With Your Blog Too Much » | Introspection Is Ceasing to Amuse Me » 

Wednesday, May 18, 2005 

Too Much Religion Makes Me Fanatical

I’ve been reading this book about Mormonism and um. Hey. Like I’m a prophet and shit too.

So, I was out back walking around and this angel came up and was like, “Hey”. And so I said, “Wus up?”. Cuz I’m cool with angelical beings like that. Then she threw this big fucking book at my head! Knocked me flat. Fucking bitch.

I got up and threw it back, “Check this shit out, you might fly but I got a rifle and a good aim, snatch.”

She was a little pissed off, “Do not make me smite thee”.

Eh. Fuck off.

“Thou hast been blessed by the Lord. Take these books and show the world their failing else the lord becometh angry and wipe them from this earthly plane”

What? Fuck this shit. That’s no angel, that’s just my drunk ass neighbor fucking with me again.

I started walking off and called over my shoulder, “remind me later to thank my friends for slipping acid into my dinner. Shit, no better way to keep me busy for a couple of hours.”

And then… beneath my very feet… the earth cracked open.

“Mere human, do not maketh me stick thouest head into that crack and close it!”

Well, on second thought “Ok… heh. Why don’t we chat or something?”

Then the angel revealed to me that earth had lost its way. Its’ path had been corroded by money, power, greed, and fast automobiles. You know… all that stuff I love?

So I read that manual and apparently I’m supposed to lead you to glory and tell you about all that stuff Moses forgot about. Dumb ass motherfucker, I think his brain got fried from wandering around in the freakin desert for so long.

OK… here are my revelations and stuff

1. You must obey your prophet… ME.
2. You must give your prophet all of your booze. Now.
3. You should probably give me your virginity too… that way it doesn’t get stolen by the devil.
4. So that you don’t get corrupted by money… give it to me so that I might do the lords bidding (which is fix my cars check engine light. How do you expect me to lead you to glory if my car breaks down for Christ’s sake? Fuck.).
5. Women should marry as many men that they want so that they might never be tempted outside their vows. (Joseph Smith was once tarred and feathered and eventually killed over a similar revelation about men marrying multiple women. Obviously he had it backwards and so therefore got what was coming to him. Don’t fuck with God)
6. If you don’t do what I say the lord will smite you with all powerful and… um… horrible vengeance. So basically you’ll be dead and shit.
7. And… um… anyone who gets in our way is going to hell, and we should probably help them get there a little faster, as that is our duty… so sayeth the lord.

Yep. So there you have it. I am a prophet here to prepare the way to the Holy Land. More revelations coming soon to a church near you.


You wanna SEE the book?

Well… my dad got pissed that I was calling myself a god so he peed on it and threw it in the pool.

I suppose I could’ve jumped in and got it… but who wants a book your dad just peed all over? Not me. Anyway, I’m sure he’ll die soon.

(PS… yes there’s a PS. This is my fucking blog, just try and shut me up! Ahem. Anywayz, after reading this book on fundamental mormonism I realized that the movie Angels In America had been completely based on Mormonism. Now this REALLY fucking pissed me off! How dare they try to convert me under the guise of a fucking MOVIE? Bitches. ALSO! I hate learning shit. If I owned that movie I’d go home and burn it. But it’s on my tivo… and I worship tivo. Tivo is the one true god, all bow before its majesty.)


I Can't Help You Now - Look, I have two songs on my hard drive that don't have the name 'iTunes' tatooed to their asses, so suck it
Powered by Castpost
Powered by Blogger
and Blogger Templates