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Monday, May 16, 2005 

Maternal Instinct

If I were rich I’d buy a kid and move to the south… I think slavery is more acceptable down there.

Since I’m Native American, Puerto Rican, French, German, Italian and Scottish it would be pretty damn hard to find a kid of the same race… but I’m not going to even try.

I want a boy. A little Middle Eastern boy, and I’m going to name him Foreigner.

Think of all the fun that we will have in the south, being minorities and all. To Foreigner I will pass on my Native American heritage, and I will teach him to speak Spanish, with a southern accent.

Man that kids going to be so fucked up.

A Middle Eastern kid with a southern accent that knows all about Native Americans and speaks Spanish? Hah. But the girls will love him. Girls love a good mystery. And just to make sure the girls REALLY love him, I’ll make sure to instill him with abandonment issues. “Foreigner! Don’t make me send you back to that shit hole they call a country!” Ha. That shit always gets them.

When Foreigner is really little and just learning to socialize I’m going to teach him how to skate board or mountain bike or something. That kid’s going to be in the fucking X-Games if I have to beat him every day.

At four.

For twenty minutes.

Which sport you ask?

Oh, you know, whichever sport is predominantly white.

And when little Foreigner comes home crying, “Mom, I don’t fit in anywhere” I’m going to say, “That’s because your people flew planes into our buildings killing thousands of innocent Americans. It’s natural for them to hate you. Maybe one of those guys was even your dad. Think about that.”


um, I'm kinda scared right now.

That was so fucking cool I died reading it.

Completely. Worth. It.

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