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Sunday, January 28, 2007 

Parenting 101

Sometimes my sister (9 years old) runs past and I think, 'Oh how innocent she is, how young, how...wait a fucking minute,' because it's then I start to remember what I did and did not know when I myself was 9 years old.
Then I stop.
Because I really don't want to think about it. It's just gross.
But of course my stupid parenting side has already kicked in and I start to think about what information should be coming from us. Us. The adults. I'm the same person who took her to her first day of kindergarten, stood outside the cafeteria door with her everyday for two weeks until she built up the courage to walk in, walked through the lunch line with her until she turned to me one day and said, "Terra, I can go by myself."
But she was five! She CAN'T go by HERSELF.
I'm the same person who stood outside the cafeteria for three days watching her navigate the lunch line, making sure she sat at a table with friends, opened her milk carton successfully. And I know, I know she has actual parents that are there everyday, but... they're old. And so not cool. She needs to hear these things from someone who's hip. In 'the know'.
I don't know anyone like that so I fill in occasionally and the other day I had the following conversation with her:
So Alex, what do you think of Britney Spears? (See how cool I am?)
She's cool. I like her. I listen more to (some sister band I can't remember the name of to save my life).
Yeah, I guess she hasn't done much lately since she got married.
Yeah! But she's getting divorced.
And going out without panties!
I heard.
You know, the other day I forgot panties and sat all over your bed.
Well I guess that's a lesson about panties. I hear they're a 1.99 at walmart.
How stupid is Britney Spears if she can't remember 1.99 panties.
I guess pretty dumb.
What do you think about Paris and Nicole?
They're pretty.
Yep, really pretty.
I like their hair.
Me too... did you hear Nicole got arrested the other day?
Yeah! For driving the wrong way on the freeway!
I think they said she was smoking marijuana.
Boy, that's so cool.
Yeah, that's totally cool! Do you know how much cooler and prettier I'd be if I did pot and drove the wrong way on the freeway? When the cop knocked on her window she was on her cell phone!
Seriously. (valley girl voice) Um, like, oh my god, I think this police officer wants me to roll my window down. HOLD ON! I'm like, on the phone. So anyway Buffy, let's go to the MALL after I get out of jail. Ha, like jail is so lame.
(still valley girl voice) Maybe later we can get together do some drugs and drive around K? K! Catch you later skater!
Then we basically talked about how cool it would be to go shopping and do some drugs. There was hair flipping involved, and then some very small talk about how that is NOT cool. Which is basically what I was fishing around for because if I am EVER related to someone that thinks Paris, Nicole and or Britney is cool I would have to kill myself. Or them.


I Can't Help You Now - Look, I have two songs on my hard drive that don't have the name 'iTunes' tatooed to their asses, so suck it
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