Chronicles of Madness

I'm writing this as some sort of substitute therapy. Because I don't believe in therapy, or I am just too cheap to pay for it. I don't really know the true reason, the jury's still out on that one.

This weekend there were several things that hit home for me, one was, I need new scarves. I bought new scarves, problem solved. Two, there are several people not talking to me right now. Some of them have good reasons. Some of them don't.

Maybe I should apologize. After all, you don't leave anyone behind right? If they're in your troop then you make sure, you go back, you send rescue missions.

(X you were right, I can't not forgive.)

But what if I thought we were in the same troop and all along we weren't? Or we were, but so long ago that ancient history is now a forgotten memory. What if it's not them getting left behind but me?

I'm a bundle of pre-emptive strikes. Always have been.

So I gathered up my apologies and began preparing when I realized, I don't think there's anything left to save.

I once had a boyfriend who accused me of cheating. His friend kicked me out of a party and I almost had to pay for a three hour taxi ride home before the guy finally agreed to drive me home. The thing is, I didn't cheat on him, or even attempt to, or even have duplicitous thoughts running through my mind that night. But it looked bad. I do admit that. In the car I formulated my response and then realized, it didn't matter. Anything I said would make me look guilty and so I sat in silence the whole ride. Eventually he asked, "so that's it. You have nothing to say?" and I responded, "Well, I didn't do it. So I can't apologize for something that didn't happen, and besides that; tell me what I could possible say to make this ok?" He thought for a moment, "Nothing. I saw it with my own eyes. I know what happened," and so I said the only thing I could think of, "Well, I could talk til I'm blue in the face, but what's the point? I'm sorry for what you thought I did, I hope you have better luck in the future."

I don't really believe in grovelling, unless there's something to save. I want to believe there's something salvageable in this situation but I'm not very optimistic. I want to say I stopped talking to them so we can pretend that it's not the other way around.

I said things in annoyance and out of context. That's me. Hyperbole. I overblow situations to make them funny, to put them in perspective, to get over them. I make annoyance into catostraphes, then I laugh out loud and forget about it.

In short, catch me on a wrong day and I'm a complete bitch. Most people can't take this. And that's okay. I try to keep this away from other people.

But sometimes I'm not too good at it.

When I had a bad day I used to call up one of my exes and bitch about how people were the dumbest biggest assholes on the planet. Bottom feeders. That boy, my cheerleader, would chime in, "YEAH! Fuck them! You know what, where do they live? Let's burn those fuckers house down!"

I know, it sounds extreme, but it used to make me laugh. It reminded me that those people were good people, just slightly annoying.

You see, I don't know how to say I'm sorry without saying, I was annoyed. I made some bad choices because you were annoying the fuck out of me that day. But you are still an awesome person. Nothing can take away from that. I don't know how to expect forgiveness when the thing is, I really did fuck up. But my fuck up was also a reaction to someone else's carelessness.

That maybe I deserved.

But I don't know, because no one's talking to me.

I'm so full of sharp edges that my softness is always busy apologizing. sorrysorrysorrysorry. I wish that softness had time for other things, like petting puppies and running in fields like those stupid vaginal commercials. Even though I'm not too fond of puppies... and I'm allergic to grass so the field would probably make me itch like hell. Oh well. Pipe dreams, throwing pennies in a well. How many times can you say, "I wish life had a rewind button?"